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Vatican Putting Out Feelers For How Public Would React To Another Children’s Crusade

VATICAN CITY—Saying they had been giving some thought recently to the idea of sending legions of Christian boys and girls to retake the Holy Land and wanted to gauge the level of support, Vatican officials reportedly began putting out feelers Wednesday to determine how the public might react to another Children’s Crusade, much as was attempted in the year 1212.

John Kerry Scrambles To Stop Bunker’s Self-Destruct Sequence As Russian Oligarch Taunts Him From Bank Of Monitors

BOGDARNYA, RUSSIA—Working frantically to gain access to the system’s override settings at the computer terminal controlling the impending implosion, Secretary of State John Kerry scrambled to stop the self-destruct sequence of an underground bunker located thousands of feet below the Russian countryside Tuesday while oligarch Dmitry Granovsky taunted him from the numerous banks of monitors positioned throughout the facility, sources confirmed.

Islamic Awakening Inspires Man To Defect From ISIS

MOSUL, IRAQ—Telling reporters he had renounced his role as a militant and would soon be relocating in order to seek out an environment more conducive to fully devoting himself to his newfound religious faith, 24-year-old Huzaifa Quraishi confirmed Tuesday his recent Islamic awakening had inspired him to defect from ISIS.

CIA Orchestrates Coup D’État To Replace Entire Population Of Venezuela

Agency Installs Pro-American Populace Of 30 Million Venezuelan Citizens

CARACAS, VENEZUELA—Sources are confirming that the Central Intelligence Agency has orchestrated a coup d’état in the South American nation of Venezuela, toppling the country’s 30 million residents and replacing them with an entirely new, pro-American populace.

A Primer On North Korea

The Democratic People’s Republic of Korea remains largely unknown to Americans due mainly to the secrecy and isolationism upheld by its government. The Onion provides a primer on North Korea’s people and culture

‘People Are Inherently Good,’ World Halfheartedly Mutters

NICE, FRANCE—Following yesterday’s terrorist attack in Nice, France that left over 80 people dead and scores more injured, sources reported that a dazed and utterly dejected global populace halfheartedly muttered the phrase “People are inherently good” to themselves Friday.

Louvre Curators Hurry To Display Ugly Van Gogh Donor Gave Them Before Surprise Visit

PARIS—After retrieving the eyesore from amid a clutter of unused display cases and movable stanchions in the back of the facility’s basement where it had been stowed ever since the museum received it, curators at the Louvre hurried to display an ugly Vincent van Gogh painting before the artwork’s donor made a surprise visit to the museum Friday.
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German Leaders Quietly Confident They Could Pull Off Another Holocaust If They Ever Really Wanted

Members of the Bundestag said it would be “pretty easy” to carry out a second Holocaust before quickly adding that they never, ever would.
Members of the Bundestag said it would be “pretty easy” to carry out a second Holocaust before quickly adding that they never, ever would.

BERLIN—Though emphasizing there is zero possibility such plans will be carried out now or any time in the future, as easy as it would be to implement them, German officials quietly admitted this week that they could probably pull off another Holocaust if they really wanted to.

Calling the systematic elimination of millions of individuals “a huge undertaking, though certainly quite doable,” both liberal and conservative members of Germany’s legislature privately conceded that, if push came to shove, they definitely have the infrastructure, technology, and manpower required to once again round up Jews, Poles, gays, and other targeted minority groups, transport them to concentration and forced-work camps, and execute them en masse.

“Now, I’m not saying that this is something anyone would like to do, but if the German government decided it wanted to carry out another Holocaust, we definitely have the ability,” said Bavarian representative Kaspar Harriger of the political consensus among all 631 elected members of the Bundestag, who unanimously agreed that the tools needed to undertake another genocide are “pretty much ready to go” if they want them. “Do we currently have plans to annihilate two-thirds of the Jewish population? No. Does every member of the government believe the Holocaust was a crime against humanity that should never be repeated? Of course.”

“But could we in fact sponsor and carry out the ethnic cleansing of millions of people to create a society fitting a eugenic ideal? Sure,” he continued. “We aren’t going to, and we don’t want to, but we could. No doubt about that.”

Members of the federal government agreed that though they have no intention whatsoever of creating a master Aryan race by purging the general populace of those deemed to be genetically inferior, they have everything in place to “get [a second Holocaust] going” relatively quickly if they felt like it. Additionally, German lawmakers stated that such a mass genocide would be far faster and more efficient than in the past, highlighting in particular the country’s advanced high-speed rail system, sophisticated engineering and construction sectors capable of rapidly erecting dozens of ultramodern extermination camps, and a world-leading chemical industry that could easily produce the compounds needed to eradicate millions swiftly and effectively.

Contrasting the methods for mass killing used during the original Holocaust with the highly developed capabilities of Germany’s heavy-industry- and technology-focused economy of today, legislators agreed Germany could “start wiping out entire villages tomorrow” if they ever felt like going through with another one.

“Between 1939 and 1945 the German government exterminated more than 6 million Jews and 11 million victims overall, and that was just with the genocide methods they had at the time,” Bundestag delegate Matthias Becker told reporters, noting that Germany’s cutting-edge telecommunications systems could be utilized to closely monitor, track, and capture every single targeted individual, thereby completely eliminating the problem of Jewish flight that was experienced in the 1930s. “With so much state-of-the-art technology at our disposal, we could reach that same death toll in half the time, easy. Not that we ever would. That’s something so horrible you don’t even want to think about it, but obviously we could if we wanted.”

“If we were to start up again tomorrow—and keep in mind this is purely hypothetical—I think we could knock out at least 20 million by the end of the year,” he added. “We most certainly will not do it, but that’s how far Germany has advanced since the 1940s.”

German officials further added that they have neither any political nor personal wishes for any mass murder to ever happen, even though they technically could pull it off and it would likely go pretty smoothly. In addition, authorities mentioned they theoretically wouldn’t even have to mass murder the same groups of people this time around, with several throwing out the possibility of eradicating the country’s sizable Turkish minority and immigrants from East Asia, before quickly noting that this is something that no one has any desire or intention to go through with.

Perhaps most important, lawmakers confirmed, is that they have the benefit of hindsight allowing them to avoid the mistakes German leaders made 60 years earlier in their initial attempt to rid the world of the Jewish race.

“Remember that the first time around, resources were overextended by the ongoing war, which is a problem we could definitely avoid if we ever did this again, which we won’t,” a high-level cabinet member explained of feasible, though entirely nonexistent, plans to kill millions upon millions of men, women, and children. “We have a pretty good idea now what brought an end to the horror and destruction that was the Holocaust, so if it happened again—and God forbid it does—I’m sure that today’s Germany, which is a far more advanced and prosperous nation, could do it a lot better.”

“I know we’re not going to do it, but it’s kind of neat knowing that if we wanted to, we could,” he added. “We definitely could.”

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