German-Style Krackhaüs Offers Hearty Cocaine

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Vol 30 Issue 06

The Gay Marriage Debate

Last week, Congress passed the Defense of Marriage Act, which permits states not to recognize the legality of gay marriages performed in other states, and clearly defines marriage as the union of a man and a woman. What do you think of same-sex marriage?

Area Man Demands More Starches

TERRE HAUTE, IN—Dissatisfied with his current levels of intake, Leonard Bierski, a 44-year-old Terre Haute-area plumber, publicly demanded a "serious increase" in his already prodigious consumption of starches. "Rice, potatoes, corn and wheat products," said the overweight Bierski, his mouth stuffed with Doritos and french fries. "I want a lot more." Bierski, who has eaten two salads in the past 14 years, said he will not rest until his diet is composed solely of carbohydrate-rich foods. "Spaghetti," he added. "Cocoa Pebbles."

Naturist Retreat Ends In Boner

FLAGSTAFF, AZ—After more than three days of hiking, canoeing and other outdoor activities, a naturist/nudist outing concluded yesterday with a large boner. "By the time the retreat had ended, there were lots of tired people, worn out from a long weekend of fun but strenuous activity," said Dale Pursner, tour leader for the Southern Exposure Naturist Getaways outing. "There also were a lot of stiffies."

Defense Department Holds Bake Sale To Buy Bomber

WASHINGTON, DC—In what was called "a great day" by the nation's educators, a cash-strapped Defense Department held a bake sale in the Pentagon courtyard yesterday to raise money for a new B-1 Bomber. "Gen. William A. Bratton told me we were about $220 million short for the brand-new bomber we all had our hearts set on, so I decided we should hold a big bake sale," said Col. Charles T. Lathrop, who, according to unnamed Pentagon insiders, made more than two dozen lemon cupcakes for the event. "So far, we've raised over 65 dollars." The department plans to follow up the sale with a car wash.

Earth Explodes

EARTH—In a move astronomers are calling "surprising," the planet earth violently exploded yesterday, shattering into billions of tiny fragments and killing all life existing on it. "From all indications, the planet just spontaneously combusted," said James Frye of Stanford's Palomar Observatory. "We'll know more after we examine soil samples."

Kemp Unveils New Poolside Economics Plan

KEY WEST, FL—With a banana daiquiri in one hand and a jaw-dropping blonde in the other, Republican vice-presidential candidiate Jack Kemp yesterday unveiled his new "poolside" economic plan.

Snobs, Slobs Face Off at Area Country Club

The elite Bushcrest Country Club was turned upside-down yesterday, as a throng of unkempt, drunken slobs descended upon the normally reserved social institution, terrorizing its uptight member snobs and stirring up all sorts of general mayhem.
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German-Style Krackhaüs Offers Hearty Cocaine

Rousing shouts of "Prosit!" and boot-shaped vials frothing over with hearty, dark German-style crack are the order of the day at Hans von Kreutzen's new neighborhood Krackhaüs.

Waitress Elke Krupps hoists a heaping tray of the dark, robust Bavarian cocaine waiting for you at Das Kracken Haüs.

"Welkommen, alle!" bellows Hans to several glassy-eyed baseheads staggering through the ornately carved oak doors of Das Kracken Haüs, the family-style crack-cocaine freebasing emporium and eatery he has built in the Germantown area of East New York. "So, you vant a hit on der krackpipe, ya?"

As a desperate young woman huddles near the Krackhaüs' charming, gingerbread-trimmed bar, offering a man oral sex in exchange for $10, von Kreutzen recalls his establishment's humble roots. "I vas saddened to see zat my neighborhood had lost sight of its strong ethnic roots," he says. "The kinder were smoking the rock out on the avenue. So I built mein Krackhaüs. Now zey have somewhere to go and frei-base in der old German style!"

"Ve make and refine our own product here," says von Kreutzen, obviously proud of his operation. "Der Krack is made in many styles, including Dark, Krack Bock, and a full-bodied, malty Kracktoberfest Pilsner."

All von Kreutzen's offerings are produced by his on-premises Krackmeister in strict accordance with the Bavarian Purity Law of 1977, which states that the raw flaked cocaine must not be stepped on more than twice before being cut with kitchen powder. The kitchen also serves up hearty Kokenschnitzel with heavy cream sauces, as well as a variety of sausages.

The hearty, full-bodied nature of the product means that customer turnover is high. "Some days der ragged, emaciated bodies of ze junkies are staked up in ze back like corpses," says von Kreutzen. "But even zat has its roots in German culture!"

"Ich liebe Das Kracken Haüs!" says apple-cheeked waitress Heidi Schtrundle. "This is the only place in East New York where you can cook up to the hearty oompah rhythms of the Krack Barrel Polka. Also, if you're a lady who's broke and still needs a hit, you can just let Hans have some fun under your Dirndl."

Das Kracken Haüs is decorated in the great German style. Huge stained oak tables are the perfect place to enjoy an old-fashioned "massive fatal heart attack." Torches line the walls, giving off a warm glow to see more easily what's cooking in "Der Kracklab." The enormous fieldstone fireplace is the centerpiece for the traditional Krackhead dance, in which one alternates between scuttling closer to the fire's heat and flinching from its light.

"Come, gather round!" von Kreutzen calls out to a large crowd of blond-haired, ruddy-faced addicts. "Und have some delicious Wienerblow!"

Though the story sometimes varies, legend has it that von Kreutzen started his Krackhaüs with money he acquired from the sale of miscellaneous art items his father had imported from Europe in the late summer of 1944. With a small business loan from an Argentinean bank and local connections, Der Kracken Haüs was soon open for business.

And they've been hooked ever since. "Try it—you will enjoy," von Kreutzen says. "Und if you OD, und have to go to ze hospital with toxic shock, tell them Hans sent you!"

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