adBlockCheck

Local

Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Cryptic New Laundry Room Rule Hints At Tale Of Bizarre Infraction

HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

Dad Gets Dolled Up For Trip To Lowe’s

DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

Mom Just Wants To Watch Something Nice

NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
End Of Section
  • More News

German-Style Krackhaüs Offers Hearty Cocaine

Rousing shouts of "Prosit!" and boot-shaped vials frothing over with hearty, dark German-style crack are the order of the day at Hans von Kreutzen's new neighborhood Krackhaüs.

Waitress Elke Krupps hoists a heaping tray of the dark, robust Bavarian cocaine waiting for you at Das Kracken Haüs.

"Welkommen, alle!" bellows Hans to several glassy-eyed baseheads staggering through the ornately carved oak doors of Das Kracken Haüs, the family-style crack-cocaine freebasing emporium and eatery he has built in the Germantown area of East New York. "So, you vant a hit on der krackpipe, ya?"

As a desperate young woman huddles near the Krackhaüs' charming, gingerbread-trimmed bar, offering a man oral sex in exchange for $10, von Kreutzen recalls his establishment's humble roots. "I vas saddened to see zat my neighborhood had lost sight of its strong ethnic roots," he says. "The kinder were smoking the rock out on the avenue. So I built mein Krackhaüs. Now zey have somewhere to go and frei-base in der old German style!"

"Ve make and refine our own product here," says von Kreutzen, obviously proud of his operation. "Der Krack is made in many styles, including Dark, Krack Bock, and a full-bodied, malty Kracktoberfest Pilsner."

All von Kreutzen's offerings are produced by his on-premises Krackmeister in strict accordance with the Bavarian Purity Law of 1977, which states that the raw flaked cocaine must not be stepped on more than twice before being cut with kitchen powder. The kitchen also serves up hearty Kokenschnitzel with heavy cream sauces, as well as a variety of sausages.

The hearty, full-bodied nature of the product means that customer turnover is high. "Some days der ragged, emaciated bodies of ze junkies are staked up in ze back like corpses," says von Kreutzen. "But even zat has its roots in German culture!"

"Ich liebe Das Kracken Haüs!" says apple-cheeked waitress Heidi Schtrundle. "This is the only place in East New York where you can cook up to the hearty oompah rhythms of the Krack Barrel Polka. Also, if you're a lady who's broke and still needs a hit, you can just let Hans have some fun under your Dirndl."

Das Kracken Haüs is decorated in the great German style. Huge stained oak tables are the perfect place to enjoy an old-fashioned "massive fatal heart attack." Torches line the walls, giving off a warm glow to see more easily what's cooking in "Der Kracklab." The enormous fieldstone fireplace is the centerpiece for the traditional Krackhead dance, in which one alternates between scuttling closer to the fire's heat and flinching from its light.

"Come, gather round!" von Kreutzen calls out to a large crowd of blond-haired, ruddy-faced addicts. "Und have some delicious Wienerblow!"

Though the story sometimes varies, legend has it that von Kreutzen started his Krackhaüs with money he acquired from the sale of miscellaneous art items his father had imported from Europe in the late summer of 1944. With a small business loan from an Argentinean bank and local connections, Der Kracken Haüs was soon open for business.

And they've been hooked ever since. "Try it—you will enjoy," von Kreutzen says. "Und if you OD, und have to go to ze hospital with toxic shock, tell them Hans sent you!"

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close
settings