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Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

Notable Athlete-Branded Products

With sports stars lending their names to everything from furniture to salsa, Onion Sports breaks down some of the most notable athlete-branded products.

MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.
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German Team Hoping To Lift Nation’s Spirit Following Reports Of 5% Unemployment

RIO DE JANEIRO—Aspiring to provide a boost for the beaten down nation, members of the Germany national soccer team expressed hope Tuesday that a victory over Brazil in the World Cup semifinals will help lift up their countrymen following reports that their current unemployment rate sits at 5 percent. “A win today would mean so much to Germany during tough times like these,” said midfielder Thomas Muller, confirming that a strong showing on the pitch has the potential to offer a much-needed escape, if only for one afternoon, to a country currently facing the bitter reality of ranking behind four other nations on the Human Development Index. “We know that we can’t change the fact that our average countryman’s life expectancy is 80.89 years, or that we’re still waiting on a high-speed rail line to connect Hanau and Gelnhausen. But maybe, in some small way, we can use this game today to remind everyone that it is still a great thing to be a German.” Muller added that he and the team intend on praying before the game for the growing segment of the German population reportedly dissatisfied with their universal health care.

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MLB Bans Cruel Practice Of Castrating Mascots

NEW YORK—Saying that the “antiquated and barbaric procedure” has no place in modern baseball, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced Monday that the league was banning the brutal practice of castrating mascots.

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