adBlockCheck

German Team Hoping To Lift Nation’s Spirit Following Reports Of 5% Unemployment

Top Headlines

Sports

Report: Gonzaga’s In Washington, Right?

NEW YORK—Ahead of the team’s first-round game against Seton Hall in the NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament, a new report released Thursday revealed that Gonzaga is in Washington state, right?

Teary-Eyed Robert Griffin III Slips On Draft Day Suit Again

WASHINGTON—With several tears streaming down his face as he stood alone in his bedroom’s walk-in closet, sources confirmed Wednesday that former Washington Redskins quarterback Robert Griffin III slipped on the suit he wore to the 2012 NFL Draft.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Holidays

Satisfaction

German Team Hoping To Lift Nation’s Spirit Following Reports Of 5% Unemployment

RIO DE JANEIRO—Aspiring to provide a boost for the beaten down nation, members of the Germany national soccer team expressed hope Tuesday that a victory over Brazil in the World Cup semifinals will help lift up their countrymen following reports that their current unemployment rate sits at 5 percent. “A win today would mean so much to Germany during tough times like these,” said midfielder Thomas Muller, confirming that a strong showing on the pitch has the potential to offer a much-needed escape, if only for one afternoon, to a country currently facing the bitter reality of ranking behind four other nations on the Human Development Index. “We know that we can’t change the fact that our average countryman’s life expectancy is 80.89 years, or that we’re still waiting on a high-speed rail line to connect Hanau and Gelnhausen. But maybe, in some small way, we can use this game today to remind everyone that it is still a great thing to be a German.” Muller added that he and the team intend on praying before the game for the growing segment of the German population reportedly dissatisfied with their universal health care.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close