Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

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Fact-Checking The Third Presidential Debate

Presidential nominees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump sparred over subjects including foreign policy, the economy, and their fitness to hold the nation’s highest office in the final debate Wednesday. The Onion examines the validity of their assertions

Intergalactic Law Enforcement Officers Place Energy Shackles On Hillary Clinton

PARADISE, NV—Materializing through a dimensional portal in front of a stunned audience at the University of Nevada, Las Vegas, intergalactic law enforcement officers reportedly appeared onstage during Wednesday night’s presidential debate and placed a pair of glowing blue energy shackles on Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton.

Trump Complains Entire Personality Rigged Against Him

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Responding to his flagging poll numbers and a string of newspaper editorials and cable news pundits questioning his fitness to lead, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly complained to a rally crowd Thursday that for the entirety of this race, his personality has been rigged against him.

Fact-Checking The Second Presidential Debate

Democratic nominee Hillary Clinton and Republican nominee Donald Trump discussed topics including national security, taxes, and their ongoing personal scandals in a contentious town hall presidential debate Sunday. The Onion evaluates the truthfulness of their claims

Trump Vomits Immediately After Seeing Everyday Americans Up Close

ST. LOUIS—His face turning deathly pale and beads of cold sweat forming on his brow as he took his seat for the town hall forum at Washington University, Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump reportedly vomited directly onto the debate stage Sunday night upon viewing everyday Americans up close.
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Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, state, or national borders whatsoever. “Though our investigation is still ongoing, it appears the North Carolina General Assembly may have inadvertently wiped out all local and federal boundaries while redrawing the state’s already heavily manipulated fourth congressional district late last night,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, addressing the millions of panicked Americans now living in flux and untethered to any known county, city ward, rural township, or municipal water district. “As of now, we have no way of indicating where one location ends and another begins, let alone the ability to separate ourselves from Canada and Mexico. Though we are working to redraw our borders as soon as possible, it is vital that no one in the United States or its territories travel outside their home until further notice.” Earnest went on to acknowledge that despite the ensuing chaos, the massive upheaval of district lines will likely prove advantageous to incumbent electoral candidates.


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