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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Gerrymandering Mishap Leaves Nation Without Any Borders Whatsoever

U.S. In Chaos After All District, State, National Boundaries Erased Overnight

WASHINGTON—Urging calm after citizens awoke to find the country’s political boundaries had disappeared completely, authorities announced Thursday that a devastating gerrymandering blunder had left the United States devoid of any district, state, or national borders whatsoever. “Though our investigation is still ongoing, it appears the North Carolina General Assembly may have inadvertently wiped out all local and federal boundaries while redrawing the state’s already heavily manipulated fourth congressional district late last night,” said White House press secretary Josh Earnest, addressing the millions of panicked Americans now living in flux and untethered to any known county, city ward, rural township, or municipal water district. “As of now, we have no way of indicating where one location ends and another begins, let alone the ability to separate ourselves from Canada and Mexico. Though we are working to redraw our borders as soon as possible, it is vital that no one in the United States or its territories travel outside their home until further notice.” Earnest went on to acknowledge that despite the ensuing chaos, the massive upheaval of district lines will likely prove advantageous to incumbent electoral candidates.

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