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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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'Get TiVo' Friend's Solution To Everything

SANTA MONICA, CA—According to waiter and aspiring writer Ian Shortridge, his friend Dan Stavers has only one piece of advice: "Get TiVo." "You could program a Season Pass so that you never miss the business report," Stavers said, after Shortridge complained that he couldn't get a mortgage. "I'm telling you, TiVo will change your life. Hey, I was right about the iPod, wasn't I?" Since purchasing a digital-video recorder in 2002, Stavers has urged Shortridge to buy one so he can "spend more time writing instead of sitting through all those commercials," "tape some fitness shows and find out how to get in shape," and "catch some funny movies" to help him get over his father's death.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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