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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Get To Know The OSN Girlfriend Analysts

Brenda Kenyon
-Boyfriend: Dominick Mirk
-Length of Relationship: 1 year, 10 months
-How Do You Feel About Sports: "They really are tremendous athletes, and I love how they play hard. I LOVE going to a game, drinking a beer and eating some nachos and being all sportsy! They're paid way too much but no more than movie stars or magicians. I don't really like baseball, it's way too slow and boring."

Lisa Cantrell
-Boyfriend: Evan Jackson
-Length of Relationship: 4 months
-How Do You Feel About Sports: "Honestly, I don't have much time for sports, though I do pay attention to all the lockout news, since I'm specializing in labor law and stuff. I think they hit each other TOO HARD and they should take it easy out there. I once told Evan that they should just build robots to play football and hit each other, but he said that was silly and no one would want to watch it. But I would watch it."

Vicky Houle
-Boyfriend: Edgar Weaver
-Length of Relationship: 3 years, 8 months
-How Do You Feel About Sports: "I don't think they're a total waste of time or anything, but I can think of about a million things I'd rather do. Taking a walk, traveling. I like watching track though, there's something very pure about just watching men and women run as fast as they can with no arbitrary rules about bouncing a ball or 'offsides'. I do prefer reading though and everyone should make time to read a book, especially Edgar."

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