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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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Getting Everyone Together

It can be hard to organize a large group and reach a consensus on where to go. Here are some ways to make it easier:

  • Take turns: One week the group goes to your favorite sports bar, the next week to your friend's favorite sports bar.
  • Try to pick a location that is accessible for all of your friends, but inaccessible for all of your enemies.
  • Why not try an Evite? Because they're fucking obnoxious and no one ever reads them, that's why.
  • Don't always let the bowler in the group have his way.
  • Make sure you don’t go to the place that burned down last week. They may be looking for you.
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