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‘The Princess Bride’ By The Numbers

‘The Princess Bride’ was released 30 years ago today, and it has since become a classic beloved by people of all ages. ‘The Onion’ looks back at ‘The Princess Bride’ 30 years later.

National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.
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Getting Through Allergy Season

While for most people, spring means life and rebirth, for allergy sufferers, the excess of pollen in the air means watery eyes and runny noses.

Here are some ways to relieve the suffering:

  • First things first: take the dandelion out of your nostril.
  • Wear a quality overcoat with sturdy, absorbent sleeves
  • Avoid getting Michael Pollan anywhere near your face, as that guy and his writings are unbelievably irritating.
  • The pollen that collects in your facial orifices contains a plant's sperm cells. Teach a flowering plant just how unpleasant this is by ejaculating all over it.
  • Completely clear the area around you of pollen by traveling within a phalanx of bees.
  • Cut down on watery eyes by sleeping with them open all night to dry them out.
  • Don't open your eyes or breathe out of your nose till summer.
  • Take it upon yourself to replace the world's pollen grains with hypoallergenic pollen grains.
  • Increase circulation to your sinuses and throat areas by complaining endlessly about your allergies in that nasal little voice of yours.

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