Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out

Top Headlines

Recent News

How To Talk To Your Child About Death

When your family has experienced a loss, it can be a difficult concept for young children to process. The Onion breaks down the best ways to converse with your child about the realities of death

Jayson Werth Catches Foul Ball Without Spilling Beer

WASHINGTON—In an incredible play that drew cheers from the whole stadium, Washington Nationals left fielder Jayson Werth managed to catch a foul ball Tuesday night without spilling the beer he was holding in his other hand.

NASA Deploys Congressional Rover To Search For Funding

WASHINGTON—Calling the program “the most crucial in the agency’s history,” researchers at NASA announced Wednesday they have successfully deployed a Special Exploratory Rover to Congress as part of an open-ended mission to seek out any possible trace of funding on Capitol Hill.

What The Planet Will Look Like In 2100

As scientists try to project the effects of climate change into the future, many of these forecasts only go as far as 2100, a year beyond which the alterations to our environment become much harder to predict. Here is a breakdown of what we can expect our world to look like in 2100
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Protection

  • Guards Gun Down Four Angels Escaping From Heaven

    THE HEAVENS—Killing four and critically wounding several others, armed guards dispatched from the Right Hand of God reportedly opened fire early Monday morning on a group of angels attempting to escape from heaven. One of the Eternal Kingdom’s...

Originality

Ghost Can't Make A Simple Cup Of Coffee Without Everyone Freaking Out

BOUTTE, LA—Former police chief Robert J. Kensworth, whose specter still roams the top floor of the old Third Precinct station, said Monday that he is unable to make a cup of coffee without everyone freaking out. "Can't a man make himself a cup of joe without some cleaning lady screaming her head off or some bandy-kneed recruit falling all over himself?" asked Kensworth, who was knifed to death by a convict in the third-floor hallway six years ago. "So there's a cup and saucer floating in midair... What do they want? I'm supposed to drink out of my hands?" According to Tom Carlton, who has worked at the Third Precinct for 17 years, "old hardnosed Kensworth" loved his coffee.