Pros And Cons Of The Gig Economy

Americans are increasingly using on-demand services, both as workers and consumers. Here are the major benefits and drawbacks of the gig economy.

Frontier Airlines Tells Customers To Just Fucking Deal With It

‘You’re Uncomfortable For A Few Hours And Then You Get To Be Somewhere Else,’ Says CEO

DENVER—Noting that some discomfort should be expected while traveling to a faraway place in just a few goddamn hours, officials from ultra-low-cost carrier Frontier Airlines reportedly told customers Thursday to just fucking deal with it.

Helpful Man Saves Woman Effort Of Telling Idea To Boss Herself

ATLANTA—In an unprompted act of generosity from one coworker to another, Spryte Logistics employee Ben Graham reportedly took the initiative to share one of Emily Fehrman’s ideas with their boss on Friday, saving her the time and effort of doing it herself.

Fisher-Price Releases New In Utero Fetal Activity Gym

EAST AURORA, NY—Touting it as the perfect tool for entertaining and stimulating the fetus during gestation, Fisher-Price announced the release Wednesday of a new in utero activity gym. “Whether they’re batting at the friendly toucans in order to harden their cartilage into bone or tapping the multicolored light-up palm tree to test out their sense of vision once their eyes open at 28 weeks, the Fisher-Price Rainforest Friends Prenatal Activity Gym is guaranteed to give your fetus a head start and keep it happy and occupied,” said director of marketing Kevin Goldbaum.

It Kind Of Sweet CEO Thinks He Doing Good Job

SEATTLE—Admitting that the sight of him laying out his vision for the company was pretty endearing, employees at Rainier Solutions reported Monday that it was kind of sweet that CEO Greg Warner thinks he is doing a good job.
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Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline

CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C. Roebuck told reporters Monday that he was “really enjoying the hell” out of watching Sears struggle with mounting layoffs and a steadily declining market share. “I have to say, the people in charge these days are complete and utter dimwits, and it’s been an absolute dream come true to watch that turd of a company go down in flames,” said the broadly smiling apparition, acknowledging that he “laughed [his] ass off” at the 170-plus store closings recently carried out by the beleaguered retailer. “The second they stopped sending out those mailers, I knew they’d never make it. It’s tradition! And what the hell is ‘the softer side of Sears’ anyway? If my good friend Richard [Sears] were not burning in hell, he’d be humiliated at the fool they’ve made him out to be.” The flickering specter then shook his head and stated that he could tell “it was all downhill” for the retailer after it discontinued its popular lines of opiates, home anvils, and powdered remedies to suppress women’s hysteria.

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