Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline

In This Section

Vol 49 Issue 24

More White Americans Dying Than Being Born

According to the U.S. Census Bureau, for the first time in modern history, more white Americans are dying than being born, with whites predicted to fall below 50 percent of the population by 2043.

NSA: Surveillance Thwarted ‘Dozens’ Of Terrorist Acts

The NSA chief claimed that his agency’s phone and internet surveillance programs had stopped “dozens” of acts of terrorism, and the FBI director added that, had the programs been in place at the time, the government could have also preve...
End Of Section
  • More News
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage


Race Relations

Ghost Of Alvah Roebuck Enjoying The Hell Out Of Sears’ Decline

CHICAGO—Expressing a deep sense of delight and amusement at the corporation’s recently reported $279 million first-quarter loss, the ghost of Alvah C. Roebuck told reporters Monday that he was “really enjoying the hell” out of watching Sears struggle with mounting layoffs and a steadily declining market share. “I have to say, the people in charge these days are complete and utter dimwits, and it’s been an absolute dream come true to watch that turd of a company go down in flames,” said the broadly smiling apparition, acknowledging that he “laughed [his] ass off” at the 170-plus store closings recently carried out by the beleaguered retailer. “The second they stopped sending out those mailers, I knew they’d never make it. It’s tradition! And what the hell is ‘the softer side of Sears’ anyway? If my good friend Richard [Sears] were not burning in hell, he’d be humiliated at the fool they’ve made him out to be.” The flickering specter then shook his head and stated that he could tell “it was all downhill” for the retailer after it discontinued its popular lines of opiates, home anvils, and powdered remedies to suppress women’s hysteria.

Next Story

Onion Video

Watch More