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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake

MASON CITY, IA—The ghostly shade of Marlon Brando appeared before Carl Wilkins Sunday to urge the 36-year-old auto-body technician to devour an entire two-pound cheesecake. "He was really intense, rubbing his head and jutting out his jaw and saying, over and over, 'Finish it off,'" said a slightly shaken and dyspeptic Wilkins. "I'd forgotten how good Brando could be." After Wilkins swallowed his last bite, the apparition smiled with an orange slice in its mouth and disappeared.

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