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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

Local Man Thinking About Becoming Asshole

SCARSDALE, NY—Saying he had been considering the lifestyle change for a while now, local man Pete Halloran told reporters Friday that he was thinking about becoming an asshole.
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Ghost Of Brando Urges Man To Finish Whole Cheesecake

MASON CITY, IA—The ghostly shade of Marlon Brando appeared before Carl Wilkins Sunday to urge the 36-year-old auto-body technician to devour an entire two-pound cheesecake. "He was really intense, rubbing his head and jutting out his jaw and saying, over and over, 'Finish it off,'" said a slightly shaken and dyspeptic Wilkins. "I'd forgotten how good Brando could be." After Wilkins swallowed his last bite, the apparition smiled with an orange slice in its mouth and disappeared.

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Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

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