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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Ghost Of Carl Sagan Warns Against Dangers Of Superstition

ITHACA, NY—Appearing as a hovering, wraith-like vision above the Cornell University Physics Building where he taught for years, the ghost of recently deceased astronomer/author Carl Sagan warned former colleagues Monday against a belief in superstition. "Exercise skepticism!" Sagan said, clanking a large metal chain. "Whenever possible, there must be independent confirmation of all facts pertaining to any so-called 'magical' or 'mystical' event or phenomenon!" Added Sagan: "One should always encourage vigorous debate on the nature of rational inquiry and empirical evidence. A thinking person must always utilize the scientific method, or wear the chains of superstition throughout eternity!" Cornell physics department head Arthur Ludyvik said that he would heed Sagan's warning and buy a special anti-superstition crystal amulet and incense cone.

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