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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Ghostwriter Taking A Few Creative Liberties With Paul Reiser's Life

LOS ANGELES—Challenged with the task of filling in details about Paul Reiser's life since the actor–comedian's work on the series Mad About You, ghostwriter Patrick Zyglund resorted to outright fabrication Tuesday. "I think I can spike things up a bit with a couple dozen pages in which Paul insinuates that he's drying out in a private recovery spa in Baja California and has to turn down roles in Unforgiven and Short Cuts, then sex it up with an extramarital love interest, let's say with a British supermodel," Zyglund said. "That'll give me the chance to gloss over The Marrying Man." Reiser himself was not available for comment on the autobiography, tentatively titled Reiserhood and scheduled for a May 2007 release, since his agent has not yet informed him it is being written.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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