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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

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Mom Sleeps In Past Sunrise

WOBURN, MA―Noting that she had somehow managed to sleep through both the dawn chorus of birds and her neighborhood’s early morning garbage pickup, 53-year-old local mother Laura Maloney confirmed that she did not awaken Monday until after the sun had risen.

Area Dad Needs More Time With Museum Plaque

NEW YORK—Leaning in close to the paragraph of text as his family continued on to the museum’s other exhibits, area dad and Frick Collection visitor Phillip Schermeier, 58, reportedly needed more time with the plaque beside Rembrandt’s 1626 painting Palamedes In Front Of Agamemnon Thursday.

Friend From College Wasted No Time Becoming White-Collar Professional

CHARLOTTE, NC—Noting how his fellow 23-year-old now takes business trips and apparently has a company-issued cell phone, local barista Daniel MacKenzie reported Friday that his friend Eric Sanford—with whom MacKenzie attended the University of Virginia from 2011 to 2015—has wasted no time at all becoming a full-fledged white-collar professional.

Waitress Who Took Over At Table Just Doesn’t Have Same Spark As Richard

FREEPORT, ME—Sensing things wouldn’t be the same once the woman removed their empty potato skin basket without so much as a playful acknowledgment of how much they must have enjoyed the appetizer, patrons at Downeast Grill confirmed Wednesday night that their new waitress, Allie, just didn’t have the same spark Richard had.

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.
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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.
Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.

GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.

“I’ll have a chicken burrito, please,” said Gerrit, soon to be overcome with feelings of pure joy, without a care in the world about his work performance or whether his coworkers like him. “With some brown rice.”

“And black beans,” Gerrit added as the burrito—which for the next few minutes will remove any expectations from his family to be as successful as his other siblings—was slid over to the next employee in the food preparation line. “Thanks.”

Reports confirmed that upon taking his first bite of the Mexican delicacy at approximately 6:42 p.m., Gerrit will be instantly liberated from having to pay any outstanding credit card bills, car payments, or monthly rent. Prior to taking his final bite six minutes later, Gerrit will also be spared any guilt for not calling or visiting his parents more often, and especially for his decision not to come home for Thanksgiving this year.

Additionally, sources said, the burrito and a medium soda will cost $7.84 and for 360 glorious seconds fully absolve Gerrit from his responsibility to finish a major work project by next Monday’s deadline, erase his $14,000 outstanding student loan debt, and halt the declining health of his 82-year-old grandmother.

“Can I just get some pico de gallo and cheese?” said Gerrit, selecting toppings that will negate any pressure to settle down and start a family like many of his friends from high school and college. “And a little bit of sour cream.”

“Actually, you know what, forget the sour cream—make it guacamole instead,” added Gerrit, removing his wallet to pay for the 7-inch-long, 5-inch-wide temporary solution to all of his problems.

Sources said the burrito will not only provide a resolution to the 31-year-old’s recent fight with his girlfriend over moving in together after the lease on his apartment runs out, but also completely erase any lingering questions in his mind about whether their relationship has run its course.

According to reports, as soon as Gerrit sits down in one of the restaurant’s booths and begins eating, he will be immediately transported to a wondrous, perfect world in which any and all of life’s difficulties are simply washed away, replaced instead by a warm flour tortilla tightly packed with chicken, rice, beans, salsa, and vegetables.

While consuming the meal, Gerrit will reportedly not even need a job or a girlfriend or money or an apartment or a graduate degree or groceries or clean laundry or a new couch or a reliable internet connection or better health insurance or good credit or a cheaper cell phone plan or allergy medication or a new pair of jeans that aren’t torn at the bottom or a flu shot or gas for his car or general satisfaction with his life or, indeed, anything at all.

“Sorry, can you just add a little extra chicken before you close it? It’s fine if it costs more,” said Gerrit, moving toward the cash register to collect his short-lived salvation from life’s inherent sadness, angst, fear, hopelessness, anger, uncertainty, and pain. “That’s perfect.”

At press time, after filling his cup with soda, sitting down, and peeling back his dinner’s aluminum foil wrapper, Gerrit entered a world where in fact the only thing that exists—the only thing at all—is one delicious, savory burrito.

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