Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

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Neighborhood Starting To Get Too Safe For Family To Afford

CHICAGO—Explaining that the sense of unease she felt walking to and from her home had declined markedly over the years, Humboldt Park resident Kirsten Healy expressed her disappointment to reporters Thursday that her neighborhood was becoming too safe for her family to afford.

Area Dad Informs Busboy He’s Ready To Order

NASHUA, NH—Raising his arm into the air while leaning outward from the table in a bid to command attention from the other side of the restaurant, area father Walter Bierko called over a busboy at DiCapri’s Italian Eatery to inform him that he was ready to order, sources reported Wednesday.

Winning Argument With Aging Parents Less Satisfying Than It Once Was

CINCINNATI—After firmly telling them that she was okay paying city prices and that she would not move back to her hometown just because it was cheaper, local woman Ellen Wallace, 40, confirmed Thursday that winning an argument with her parents has become much less satisfying as they have gotten older.

Rescuers Heroically Help Beached Garbage Back Into Ocean

ATLANTIC BEACH, NC—In what many described as an inspiring display of selflessness and teamwork, a group of rescuers heroically saved a beached mound of garbage by helping the stranded trash back into the ocean, eyewitnesses reported Thursday.

Man Races Against Time To Take Out Trash Bag With Widening Puncture

RIO RANCHO, NM—His pace steadily quickening as he rounded the corner out of his kitchen and made a beeline for the front door, local man Henry Parnasse reportedly found himself locked in a race against time Wednesday morning to take out a trash bag with a widening hole in its side.

Man Pushed Off Plate Of Chicken Wings By Larger Male

WARMINSTER, PA—Looking on as the intense display of aggressive behavior played out over several minutes, sources at Flannigan’s Bar & Grill confirmed Thursday that local man Pete Samuelson was pushed off a plate of buffalo wings by a much larger alpha male.

Grandma Guts It Out Through Lunch On Sunny Patio

MALVERN, PA—Making the audacious decision to dine outdoors with her family despite a noticeable lack of umbrellas or awnings, grandmother Diane McGilvery, 83, reportedly gutted it out through lunch Friday on the sunny patio of a local restaurant.

Parents Formally Announce Transfer Of Expectations To Second Child

GRAND JUNCTION, CO—Explaining that the adjustment made the most practical sense for all parties involved, local parents Beth and Ryan Morgan held a press conference Friday morning to announce the official transfer of expectations from their oldest child, Jeremy, to his younger sibling, Angie.

Motorcyclist Salvaged For Parts

SIOUX FALLS, SD—Following a multiple-vehicle accident on Interstate 90 that temporarily halted traffic in both directions, sources reported Friday that a motorcyclist involved in the crash was hauled off and salvaged for parts.

Detective Not Sure He Was Close Enough To Partner To Endlessly Pursue Killer

DETROIT—After his partner of three years was gunned down last week while the pair were on duty, Detective David Killian of the Detroit Police Department’s Major Case Squad told reporters Wednesday he was unsure whether he had been close enough to his murdered colleague to single-mindedly pursue the killer for as long as it takes.

Man Pretty Cocky Since Beating Cancer

FT. LAUDERDALE, FL—Whether he’s bragging about his newfound appreciation for life or arrogantly refusing to take anything for granted, local man Daniel Oretsky, 38, has been acting insufferably cocky since winning his two-year battle with non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Area Man Under Impression He Got Dressed Up

PROVIDENCE, RI—Explaining that the dinner he would soon be having at an upscale restaurant required him to wear something a bit special, local man Kyle Finnegan was under the impression that he had just gotten dressed up, sources said Thursday.

Man Honestly Thought Breakdown Would Be More Obvious To People

MAPLEWOOD, MN—Explaining that he had assumed the deterioration of his physical and psychological state would be readily apparent, 3M sales associate Mark Uhler told reporters Wednesday he honestly thought his ongoing breakdown would be more obvious to everyone around him.

Report: Dad Wants To Show You Where Fuse Box Is

YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Neighborhood Busybody Reports Sound Of Gunshots

INDIANAPOLIS—Once again sticking her nose where it doesn’t belong, neighborhood busybody Sally Christensen, 54, reportedly took it upon herself to report the sound of gunshots to law enforcement early Tuesday morning, sources confirmed.

Being Older Than Daughter Babysitter’s Only Qualification

UTICA, NY—Possessing no particular proficiencies or training whatsoever, local 12-year-old Jessica Radloff was reportedly hired to babysit Hayley Carden, 7, this week based solely on her qualification of being older than the child she was asked to watch.

Total Weirdo Spends Mother’s Day At Cemetery

ST. MARYS, OH—Apparently content to hang around dead people rather than celebrate like a normal person, area weirdo John Mills spent most of Mother’s Day at a local cemetery, creeped-out sources confirmed.

Child Visiting Ellis Island Sees Where Grandparents Once Toured

ELLIS ISLAND, NY—Pausing to imagine the throngs of people who must have arrived with them that day back in 1994, 12-year-old Max Bertrand reportedly spent his visit to Ellis Island this afternoon walking around the same immigrant station his grandparents once toured.

Email From Mom Sent At 5:32 A.M.

DENVER—After waking up and finding the message waiting on his computer, local man Drew Swanson confirmed to reporters Thursday that his mother had sent him an email at 5:32 a.m.

Man Proud Of Food He Ordered

DEDHAM, MA—Noting how the man grinned with satisfaction after his Buffalo Chicken Ranch sandwich with a side of spiced panko onion rings arrived at his table, sources at Chili’s Grill & Bar confirmed Tuesday that local diner Matt Schoesse ...
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Satisfaction

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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.
Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.

GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.

“I’ll have a chicken burrito, please,” said Gerrit, soon to be overcome with feelings of pure joy, without a care in the world about his work performance or whether his coworkers like him. “With some brown rice.”

“And black beans,” Gerrit added as the burrito—which for the next few minutes will remove any expectations from his family to be as successful as his other siblings—was slid over to the next employee in the food preparation line. “Thanks.”

Reports confirmed that upon taking his first bite of the Mexican delicacy at approximately 6:42 p.m., Gerrit will be instantly liberated from having to pay any outstanding credit card bills, car payments, or monthly rent. Prior to taking his final bite six minutes later, Gerrit will also be spared any guilt for not calling or visiting his parents more often, and especially for his decision not to come home for Thanksgiving this year.

Additionally, sources said, the burrito and a medium soda will cost $7.84 and for 360 glorious seconds fully absolve Gerrit from his responsibility to finish a major work project by next Monday’s deadline, erase his $14,000 outstanding student loan debt, and halt the declining health of his 82-year-old grandmother.

“Can I just get some pico de gallo and cheese?” said Gerrit, selecting toppings that will negate any pressure to settle down and start a family like many of his friends from high school and college. “And a little bit of sour cream.”

“Actually, you know what, forget the sour cream—make it guacamole instead,” added Gerrit, removing his wallet to pay for the 7-inch-long, 5-inch-wide temporary solution to all of his problems.

Sources said the burrito will not only provide a resolution to the 31-year-old’s recent fight with his girlfriend over moving in together after the lease on his apartment runs out, but also completely erase any lingering questions in his mind about whether their relationship has run its course.

According to reports, as soon as Gerrit sits down in one of the restaurant’s booths and begins eating, he will be immediately transported to a wondrous, perfect world in which any and all of life’s difficulties are simply washed away, replaced instead by a warm flour tortilla tightly packed with chicken, rice, beans, salsa, and vegetables.

While consuming the meal, Gerrit will reportedly not even need a job or a girlfriend or money or an apartment or a graduate degree or groceries or clean laundry or a new couch or a reliable internet connection or better health insurance or good credit or a cheaper cell phone plan or allergy medication or a new pair of jeans that aren’t torn at the bottom or a flu shot or gas for his car or general satisfaction with his life or, indeed, anything at all.

“Sorry, can you just add a little extra chicken before you close it? It’s fine if it costs more,” said Gerrit, moving toward the cash register to collect his short-lived salvation from life’s inherent sadness, angst, fear, hopelessness, anger, uncertainty, and pain. “That’s perfect.”

At press time, after filling his cup with soda, sitting down, and peeling back his dinner’s aluminum foil wrapper, Gerrit entered a world where in fact the only thing that exists—the only thing at all—is one delicious, savory burrito.