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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.
Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.

GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.

“I’ll have a chicken burrito, please,” said Gerrit, soon to be overcome with feelings of pure joy, without a care in the world about his work performance or whether his coworkers like him. “With some brown rice.”

“And black beans,” Gerrit added as the burrito—which for the next few minutes will remove any expectations from his family to be as successful as his other siblings—was slid over to the next employee in the food preparation line. “Thanks.”

Reports confirmed that upon taking his first bite of the Mexican delicacy at approximately 6:42 p.m., Gerrit will be instantly liberated from having to pay any outstanding credit card bills, car payments, or monthly rent. Prior to taking his final bite six minutes later, Gerrit will also be spared any guilt for not calling or visiting his parents more often, and especially for his decision not to come home for Thanksgiving this year.

Additionally, sources said, the burrito and a medium soda will cost $7.84 and for 360 glorious seconds fully absolve Gerrit from his responsibility to finish a major work project by next Monday’s deadline, erase his $14,000 outstanding student loan debt, and halt the declining health of his 82-year-old grandmother.

“Can I just get some pico de gallo and cheese?” said Gerrit, selecting toppings that will negate any pressure to settle down and start a family like many of his friends from high school and college. “And a little bit of sour cream.”

“Actually, you know what, forget the sour cream—make it guacamole instead,” added Gerrit, removing his wallet to pay for the 7-inch-long, 5-inch-wide temporary solution to all of his problems.

Sources said the burrito will not only provide a resolution to the 31-year-old’s recent fight with his girlfriend over moving in together after the lease on his apartment runs out, but also completely erase any lingering questions in his mind about whether their relationship has run its course.

According to reports, as soon as Gerrit sits down in one of the restaurant’s booths and begins eating, he will be immediately transported to a wondrous, perfect world in which any and all of life’s difficulties are simply washed away, replaced instead by a warm flour tortilla tightly packed with chicken, rice, beans, salsa, and vegetables.

While consuming the meal, Gerrit will reportedly not even need a job or a girlfriend or money or an apartment or a graduate degree or groceries or clean laundry or a new couch or a reliable internet connection or better health insurance or good credit or a cheaper cell phone plan or allergy medication or a new pair of jeans that aren’t torn at the bottom or a flu shot or gas for his car or general satisfaction with his life or, indeed, anything at all.

“Sorry, can you just add a little extra chicken before you close it? It’s fine if it costs more,” said Gerrit, moving toward the cash register to collect his short-lived salvation from life’s inherent sadness, angst, fear, hopelessness, anger, uncertainty, and pain. “That’s perfect.”

At press time, after filling his cup with soda, sitting down, and peeling back his dinner’s aluminum foil wrapper, Gerrit entered a world where in fact the only thing that exists—the only thing at all—is one delicious, savory burrito.

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