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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

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Mom On Vacation Marveling At Time Difference Compared To Home

SAN DIEGO—Having already pointed out when everyone back home was getting off work and when the local nightly news was starting, area mother Pam Westin spent much of the first day of her family’s week-long California vacation marveling at the time difference compared to where they lived, sources confirmed Tuesday.

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SMYRNA, DE—Saying he needed to be transported to a tranquil, untroubled state of calmness pronto, local man Pete McCartin, 29, told reporters Thursday that a fresh-brewed mug of purportedly relaxation-promoting tea had better fucking work.

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BALLSTON, NY—Noticing they had both a Lightly Salted and a Tomato Basil version of the previously unknown product in their cupboard upon arriving for a visit home this past weekend, Jared Randall, 26, confirmed Wednesday that his parents are into a new snack now.

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CHESAPEAKE, VA—Saying they immediately feared the worst when they saw the child in such a treacherous, life-threatening situation, onlookers confirmed that an emergency crew rushed onto a local sports field Wednesday afternoon and moved quickly to pull a young boy out of a football huddle.

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WARREN, MI—Stipulating that the regulation would take effect immediately, Summit Industries office manager Angela Werner reportedly unveiled a new rule Tuesday in a company-wide email.

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WILLIAMSPORT, PA—Arguing that it was time to deal decisively with the threat of terrorism, local aunt Deborah Massey casually advocated a war crime Monday in a brief Facebook post, sources confirmed. “Any city that has ISIS people hiding out in it needs to be bombed to the ground.

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.
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Giant Burrito To Solve All Of Area Man’s Problems For 6 Precious Minutes

Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.
Gerrit, moments before entering a brief, fleeting world where nothing at all matters except for a giant chicken burrito.

GREENSBORO, NC—According to sources at a local Qdoba, 31-year-old advertising sales associate Anthony Gerrit is about to purchase an extra-large burrito that will completely resolve every concern, burden, and troublesome issue in his life for six blissful minutes.

“I’ll have a chicken burrito, please,” said Gerrit, soon to be overcome with feelings of pure joy, without a care in the world about his work performance or whether his coworkers like him. “With some brown rice.”

“And black beans,” Gerrit added as the burrito—which for the next few minutes will remove any expectations from his family to be as successful as his other siblings—was slid over to the next employee in the food preparation line. “Thanks.”

Reports confirmed that upon taking his first bite of the Mexican delicacy at approximately 6:42 p.m., Gerrit will be instantly liberated from having to pay any outstanding credit card bills, car payments, or monthly rent. Prior to taking his final bite six minutes later, Gerrit will also be spared any guilt for not calling or visiting his parents more often, and especially for his decision not to come home for Thanksgiving this year.

Additionally, sources said, the burrito and a medium soda will cost $7.84 and for 360 glorious seconds fully absolve Gerrit from his responsibility to finish a major work project by next Monday’s deadline, erase his $14,000 outstanding student loan debt, and halt the declining health of his 82-year-old grandmother.

“Can I just get some pico de gallo and cheese?” said Gerrit, selecting toppings that will negate any pressure to settle down and start a family like many of his friends from high school and college. “And a little bit of sour cream.”

“Actually, you know what, forget the sour cream—make it guacamole instead,” added Gerrit, removing his wallet to pay for the 7-inch-long, 5-inch-wide temporary solution to all of his problems.

Sources said the burrito will not only provide a resolution to the 31-year-old’s recent fight with his girlfriend over moving in together after the lease on his apartment runs out, but also completely erase any lingering questions in his mind about whether their relationship has run its course.

According to reports, as soon as Gerrit sits down in one of the restaurant’s booths and begins eating, he will be immediately transported to a wondrous, perfect world in which any and all of life’s difficulties are simply washed away, replaced instead by a warm flour tortilla tightly packed with chicken, rice, beans, salsa, and vegetables.

While consuming the meal, Gerrit will reportedly not even need a job or a girlfriend or money or an apartment or a graduate degree or groceries or clean laundry or a new couch or a reliable internet connection or better health insurance or good credit or a cheaper cell phone plan or allergy medication or a new pair of jeans that aren’t torn at the bottom or a flu shot or gas for his car or general satisfaction with his life or, indeed, anything at all.

“Sorry, can you just add a little extra chicken before you close it? It’s fine if it costs more,” said Gerrit, moving toward the cash register to collect his short-lived salvation from life’s inherent sadness, angst, fear, hopelessness, anger, uncertainty, and pain. “That’s perfect.”

At press time, after filling his cup with soda, sitting down, and peeling back his dinner’s aluminum foil wrapper, Gerrit entered a world where in fact the only thing that exists—the only thing at all—is one delicious, savory burrito.

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