Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About

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Clorox

Deadline For Prior User To Remove Clothes From Dryer Extended 5 Minutes

JOHNSON CITY, TN—Upon finding the machine in her apartment building’s laundry room completely untouched since she last stopped by, exasperated local woman Sandra Hermus reportedly mounted all her magnanimity Monday and extended the deadline for the previous user to remove their clothing from the dryer by five minutes.

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YOUR LOCATION—Noting that it’s important to be prepared in case of emergencies but it’s also a good thing to know in general, your dad announced today that he wants to show you where the fuse box is.

Custom Fireplace Store Totally Jumps Gentrification Gun

PHILADELPHIA—Despite modest increases in the west Philadelphia neighborhood’s property values over the past several years, residents of Walnut Hill told reporters Monday that the proprietors of Fireside Connections have definitely jumped the g...

Your Dream Home!

Sometimes, dreams do come true. Not this time, though. Buy this mediocre home and then imagine you live somewhere much, much better.
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Area Man

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House and Home

Clorox

Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About

SEFFNER, FL—Following a Florida man’s sudden death last week after his bedroom collapsed into a 20-foot-wide sinkhole, the possibility of a giant cavity in the earth opening up and swallowing your entire house has now reportedly been added to the list of things one must worry about on a day-to-day basis. “Well, on top of everything else, it looks as though I now have to be legitimately afraid of the earth itself suddenly consuming my house, my family, and everything I own,” said local man Jared Palmer, 38, who noted that his usual list of everyday financial, parenting, social, and mortality-based phobias was only compounded by the prospect of being helplessly sucked into a subterranean cavern. “Sure, why not? I already spend most of my day worrying about disease, home invasions, hurricanes, and car accidents. I could use a few hours to bat around the idea of the very ground beneath my feet eating me alive.” Urging the public to remain calm, government officials issued a statement indicating that while falling into a sinkhole and dying is indeed a possibility, the average American is far more likely to die from a lack of adequate health care, in an exchange of gunfire, or while in prison.

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