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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Giant Hole Swallowing Up Your House Added To List Of Things To Worry About

SEFFNER, FL—Following a Florida man’s sudden death last week after his bedroom collapsed into a 20-foot-wide sinkhole, the possibility of a giant cavity in the earth opening up and swallowing your entire house has now reportedly been added to the list of things one must worry about on a day-to-day basis. “Well, on top of everything else, it looks as though I now have to be legitimately afraid of the earth itself suddenly consuming my house, my family, and everything I own,” said local man Jared Palmer, 38, who noted that his usual list of everyday financial, parenting, social, and mortality-based phobias was only compounded by the prospect of being helplessly sucked into a subterranean cavern. “Sure, why not? I already spend most of my day worrying about disease, home invasions, hurricanes, and car accidents. I could use a few hours to bat around the idea of the very ground beneath my feet eating me alive.” Urging the public to remain calm, government officials issued a statement indicating that while falling into a sinkhole and dying is indeed a possibility, the average American is far more likely to die from a lack of adequate health care, in an exchange of gunfire, or while in prison.

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