adBlockCheck

Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

Top Headlines

Local

Man Practices Haircut Request Before Heading To Barber

MINNEAPOLIS—Having scripted a set of lines he hoped to deliver with confidence and decisiveness, local 34-year-old Jason Clyne carefully rehearsed his haircut request several times Friday before heading to his local barbershop, sources confirmed.

Ronald McDonald Statue Bears Full Brunt Of Teenagers’ Mockery

CLEVELAND—Remaining stoically silent throughout the barrage of vicious insults, unsavory accusations, and various other indignities directed at it, a statue of Ronald McDonald seated on a bench outside the fast-food chain’s Clark Avenue location is said to have borne the full force of a group of teenagers’ mockery Thursday.

Woman Leaving Meeting Worried She Came Off As Too Competent

OXNARD, CA—Silently chastising herself for the way she behaved in front of her colleagues and supervisors, Cobalt Property Insurance sales associate Leah Manning, 36, was reportedly deeply worried Tuesday that she came off as too competent during the company’s weekly sales meeting.

Mom Has Stacked Dinner Party Roster

GOLDEN, CO—Their eyes widening in amazement as the 43-year-old rattled off the names of heavy hitter after heavy hitter, impressed members of the Dreeshen household confirmed Friday that the roster for their mom’s upcoming dinner party was absolutely stacked.

Bold Intern Giving Parents Tour Of Office

CHICAGO—Brazenly strolling through the rows of desks while pointing out the firm’s various departments to his two guests, Lodestone Media intern Nate Kapper, 19, made the incredibly bold move of giving his parents a tour of the company’s offices Wednesday, sources reported.

Beautiful Spring Day No Match For Last 35 Years Of Man’s Life

LITTLE ROCK, AR—Nullified almost immediately by the collective force of decades’ worth of resentment and disappointment, a bright and beautiful spring day was said to be no match for the past 35 years of local man Thomas Unger’s life, sources confirmed Tuesday.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Lawn and Garden

Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.

Josh Timmins unleashed vast destruction on Ant Colony #000567KLN00067Q yesterday. According to one ant, Timmins was heard repeatedly shouting, "Godzilla! Raaaaaaarrrrr!"

Described by anthill auxillary scouts as "over 10,000 ant-lengths in height," area human Josh Timmins, 6, devastated the anthill and surrounding border territories with "a display of unstoppable destructive power the likes of which the communal Nest Hivemind had never before seen."

Ant community representatives are calling today's unprovoked attack "the worst tragedy to strike sandbox-area antdom since the infamous Garden Hose Flood of last April."

Though reports from the scattered survivors remain sketchy and unconfirmed as of press time, they all stress emphatically that "the Queen remains unharmed. Repeat—Queen unharmed."

Exact details remain impossible to confirm due to the near-total collapse of communication and societal structure caused by the attack, but it appears over 60 percent of the anthill's subterranean network was wiped out in the attack.

Local ants reacted with shock. "I have followed those chemical scent-trails since birth, from Sugar Redistribution Center #54 to the Larvae Nursery and back, literally thousands of times," said worker #K5217812, temporarily encamped at the Emergency Relief Bivouac under the popsicle wrapper in the Northwestern Shrub Region. "But now my homeland is forever gone. Death to the tyrannical He-Who-Crushes-All-The-World! Long live the Queen!"

According to eyewitnesses, the young Timmins utilized a fully poseable Superman action figure as his primary weapon in the attack, holding it by the feet and sweeping downwards in a hammer-like motion. "Die! Ha hah hah hah!" he was heard shouting throughout the attack.

Added Timmins later: "Godzilla! Raaaaaarrr!" At present, the Nest's Communal Hivemind agenda is simple: Protect the Queen until a new anthill can be dug or the old one repaired. It is estimated that at least 2,500 additional ant lives will be lost in the massive reconstructive effort, which is expected to be completed by midday tomorrow.

"Work to be done," said Worker #9871245, busily hauling a piece of quartz fragment 350 times his own weight to the new Colony site, tentatively slated for a hitherto undeveloped region of the Sandbox more than five feet from the previous Colony's ruins.

Added #9871245: "Work to be done." He then repeated the phrase an additional 900 times.

Though #9871245's can-do attitude signifies a spirit of hopefulness felt within the ant community, many remain concerned about the future.

"He-Of-The-Impossibly-Huge-Grip-Action-Treads may return once again to smite us," Scout #4928763 said. "You've got to understand—I lost 27 dozen of my best friends yesterday."

Speaking via Messenger Squadron from an undisclosed location, the Queen told reporters:

"Our war-making forces are the product of billions of generations of evolution, causing subcategorical phenotypical variations within a single species that stagger the rational mind. Our Warri-ors, weaned on the finest sucrose compounds our Feeder Ants can provide, possess powerful mandibles that can split the thorax of a Shrub Beetle in seven seconds."

"Unfortunately," added the Queen, "He-Whose-Feet-Plummet-Earthwards-From-The-Skies smooshed them with a plastic shovel that had duckies on it."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close