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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.

Josh Timmins unleashed vast destruction on Ant Colony #000567KLN00067Q yesterday. According to one ant, Timmins was heard repeatedly shouting, "Godzilla! Raaaaaaarrrrr!"

Described by anthill auxillary scouts as "over 10,000 ant-lengths in height," area human Josh Timmins, 6, devastated the anthill and surrounding border territories with "a display of unstoppable destructive power the likes of which the communal Nest Hivemind had never before seen."

Ant community representatives are calling today's unprovoked attack "the worst tragedy to strike sandbox-area antdom since the infamous Garden Hose Flood of last April."

Though reports from the scattered survivors remain sketchy and unconfirmed as of press time, they all stress emphatically that "the Queen remains unharmed. Repeat—Queen unharmed."

Exact details remain impossible to confirm due to the near-total collapse of communication and societal structure caused by the attack, but it appears over 60 percent of the anthill's subterranean network was wiped out in the attack.

Local ants reacted with shock. "I have followed those chemical scent-trails since birth, from Sugar Redistribution Center #54 to the Larvae Nursery and back, literally thousands of times," said worker #K5217812, temporarily encamped at the Emergency Relief Bivouac under the popsicle wrapper in the Northwestern Shrub Region. "But now my homeland is forever gone. Death to the tyrannical He-Who-Crushes-All-The-World! Long live the Queen!"

According to eyewitnesses, the young Timmins utilized a fully poseable Superman action figure as his primary weapon in the attack, holding it by the feet and sweeping downwards in a hammer-like motion. "Die! Ha hah hah hah!" he was heard shouting throughout the attack.

Added Timmins later: "Godzilla! Raaaaaarrr!" At present, the Nest's Communal Hivemind agenda is simple: Protect the Queen until a new anthill can be dug or the old one repaired. It is estimated that at least 2,500 additional ant lives will be lost in the massive reconstructive effort, which is expected to be completed by midday tomorrow.

"Work to be done," said Worker #9871245, busily hauling a piece of quartz fragment 350 times his own weight to the new Colony site, tentatively slated for a hitherto undeveloped region of the Sandbox more than five feet from the previous Colony's ruins.

Added #9871245: "Work to be done." He then repeated the phrase an additional 900 times.

Though #9871245's can-do attitude signifies a spirit of hopefulness felt within the ant community, many remain concerned about the future.

"He-Of-The-Impossibly-Huge-Grip-Action-Treads may return once again to smite us," Scout #4928763 said. "You've got to understand—I lost 27 dozen of my best friends yesterday."

Speaking via Messenger Squadron from an undisclosed location, the Queen told reporters:

"Our war-making forces are the product of billions of generations of evolution, causing subcategorical phenotypical variations within a single species that stagger the rational mind. Our Warri-ors, weaned on the finest sucrose compounds our Feeder Ants can provide, possess powerful mandibles that can split the thorax of a Shrub Beetle in seven seconds."

"Unfortunately," added the Queen, "He-Whose-Feet-Plummet-Earthwards-From-The-Skies smooshed them with a plastic shovel that had duckies on it."

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