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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.
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Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.

Josh Timmins unleashed vast destruction on Ant Colony #000567KLN00067Q yesterday. According to one ant, Timmins was heard repeatedly shouting, "Godzilla! Raaaaaaarrrrr!"

Described by anthill auxillary scouts as "over 10,000 ant-lengths in height," area human Josh Timmins, 6, devastated the anthill and surrounding border territories with "a display of unstoppable destructive power the likes of which the communal Nest Hivemind had never before seen."

Ant community representatives are calling today's unprovoked attack "the worst tragedy to strike sandbox-area antdom since the infamous Garden Hose Flood of last April."

Though reports from the scattered survivors remain sketchy and unconfirmed as of press time, they all stress emphatically that "the Queen remains unharmed. Repeat—Queen unharmed."

Exact details remain impossible to confirm due to the near-total collapse of communication and societal structure caused by the attack, but it appears over 60 percent of the anthill's subterranean network was wiped out in the attack.

Local ants reacted with shock. "I have followed those chemical scent-trails since birth, from Sugar Redistribution Center #54 to the Larvae Nursery and back, literally thousands of times," said worker #K5217812, temporarily encamped at the Emergency Relief Bivouac under the popsicle wrapper in the Northwestern Shrub Region. "But now my homeland is forever gone. Death to the tyrannical He-Who-Crushes-All-The-World! Long live the Queen!"

According to eyewitnesses, the young Timmins utilized a fully poseable Superman action figure as his primary weapon in the attack, holding it by the feet and sweeping downwards in a hammer-like motion. "Die! Ha hah hah hah!" he was heard shouting throughout the attack.

Added Timmins later: "Godzilla! Raaaaaarrr!" At present, the Nest's Communal Hivemind agenda is simple: Protect the Queen until a new anthill can be dug or the old one repaired. It is estimated that at least 2,500 additional ant lives will be lost in the massive reconstructive effort, which is expected to be completed by midday tomorrow.

"Work to be done," said Worker #9871245, busily hauling a piece of quartz fragment 350 times his own weight to the new Colony site, tentatively slated for a hitherto undeveloped region of the Sandbox more than five feet from the previous Colony's ruins.

Added #9871245: "Work to be done." He then repeated the phrase an additional 900 times.

Though #9871245's can-do attitude signifies a spirit of hopefulness felt within the ant community, many remain concerned about the future.

"He-Of-The-Impossibly-Huge-Grip-Action-Treads may return once again to smite us," Scout #4928763 said. "You've got to understand—I lost 27 dozen of my best friends yesterday."

Speaking via Messenger Squadron from an undisclosed location, the Queen told reporters:

"Our war-making forces are the product of billions of generations of evolution, causing subcategorical phenotypical variations within a single species that stagger the rational mind. Our Warri-ors, weaned on the finest sucrose compounds our Feeder Ants can provide, possess powerful mandibles that can split the thorax of a Shrub Beetle in seven seconds."

"Unfortunately," added the Queen, "He-Whose-Feet-Plummet-Earthwards-From-The-Skies smooshed them with a plastic shovel that had duckies on it."

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