Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

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Vol 30 Issue 01

Band's Van Breaks Down

CHAPEL HILL, NC—Promising local band Spacegoat suffered a major setback on its path to fame yesterday, when its 1982 Dodge van broke down en route to a show in Durham.

African Nation Not War-Torn

PORTO-NOVO, BENIN—According to inside sources in the capital city of Porto-Novo, the nation of Benin is not currently torn by war. In addition to lacking massive civil strife and severe political turmoil, the sources say, the small West African nation is also not under threat of violent military coup by leftist guerrillas. "Benin is a peaceful country," said New York Times West African correspondent Richard Coombes. "Its people are not being killed in large numbers and buried in mass graves. Further, Benin's many cities and villages are not being burned to the ground by roving bands of power-hungry, machine gun-wielding warlords." Benin's Department of Tourism is capitalizing on the nation's lack of combat, next week launching a $30 million "Benin—You Will Not Be Killed Here!" promotional campaign.

Lester Jackson Gets His Sorry Ass Home

ST. LOUIS—At the strong urging of his wife Rhonda, Lester Jackson got his sorry ass home last night, narrowly avoiding an explosive domestic confrontation. "He better get his sorry ass home real soon," Rhonda Jackson told reporters around 11:45 p.m. yesterday, more than two hours after her husband was supposed to return from his weekly poker game. "Cause if he don't, he ain't gonna like what he find when he do." Several minutes after Rhonda Jackson made her statement, Lester Jackson dragged his sorry ass through the front door, trying to pass off another one of his sorry-ass excuses and wearing that sorry-ass hangdog look on his face he always wears when he knows he's going to get it real good.

Dream Team Wins Small Soft Drink

ATLANTA—The U.S. men's basketball "Dream Team" took home a small soft drink from McDonald's yesterday, making its players big winners and quenching their Olympic-sized thirsts. "We win when the USA wins," said power forward Karl Malone, taking a sip from the Dream Team's 12-ounce Coke. "This refreshing beverage is ice-cold proof of that." The Dream Team won the food prize Sunday, when U.S. fencer Dana Owens took gold in the individual women's epee, defeating Qatar's Faizla Hourani 15-11, 15-9. Nine of the eleven Dream Teamers shared the drink, the exceptions being center Shaquille O'Neal, who is signed to a long-term exclusive contract with Pepsi, and reserve point guard John Stockton, who wanted a Mello-Yello.

Navy Admiral Thinks He's 'Mr. Important'

QUANTICO, VA—According to a recently published report, Navy Admiral John A. Weinhardt, 57, thinks he is "Mr. Important," or something. "Oooooooh... Aren't we Mr. Special? Aren't we just Mr. Look- At- All- My- Medals- I'm- So- Important- I'm- a- Mr.- Big-Shot- Important- Mr.- Navy- Man," read part of the 340-page classified government report, which concluded, "Like wow, I'm really powerful. Oooh, look at all these people saluting me... Like, I'm just so cool, you know?." Admiral Weinhardt has declined comment on the allegations.

The Not-So-Friendly Skies

Last month's mysterious crash of TWA Flight 800 near Long Island, which came on the heels of several other major air tragedies, has sparked a national debate about the safety and security of commercial airlines. What do you think?
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Giant Six-Year-Old Devastates Area Ant Community

THE SANDBOX—Blasts of chemically coded vapor signifying distress were heard throughout the ant community yesterday, when Colony #000567KLN00067Q was attacked and nearly obliterated by a giant mammalian destructor-beast.

Josh Timmins unleashed vast destruction on Ant Colony #000567KLN00067Q yesterday. According to one ant, Timmins was heard repeatedly shouting, "Godzilla! Raaaaaaarrrrr!"

Described by anthill auxillary scouts as "over 10,000 ant-lengths in height," area human Josh Timmins, 6, devastated the anthill and surrounding border territories with "a display of unstoppable destructive power the likes of which the communal Nest Hivemind had never before seen."

Ant community representatives are calling today's unprovoked attack "the worst tragedy to strike sandbox-area antdom since the infamous Garden Hose Flood of last April."

Though reports from the scattered survivors remain sketchy and unconfirmed as of press time, they all stress emphatically that "the Queen remains unharmed. Repeat—Queen unharmed."

Exact details remain impossible to confirm due to the near-total collapse of communication and societal structure caused by the attack, but it appears over 60 percent of the anthill's subterranean network was wiped out in the attack.

Local ants reacted with shock. "I have followed those chemical scent-trails since birth, from Sugar Redistribution Center #54 to the Larvae Nursery and back, literally thousands of times," said worker #K5217812, temporarily encamped at the Emergency Relief Bivouac under the popsicle wrapper in the Northwestern Shrub Region. "But now my homeland is forever gone. Death to the tyrannical He-Who-Crushes-All-The-World! Long live the Queen!"

According to eyewitnesses, the young Timmins utilized a fully poseable Superman action figure as his primary weapon in the attack, holding it by the feet and sweeping downwards in a hammer-like motion. "Die! Ha hah hah hah!" he was heard shouting throughout the attack.

Added Timmins later: "Godzilla! Raaaaaarrr!" At present, the Nest's Communal Hivemind agenda is simple: Protect the Queen until a new anthill can be dug or the old one repaired. It is estimated that at least 2,500 additional ant lives will be lost in the massive reconstructive effort, which is expected to be completed by midday tomorrow.

"Work to be done," said Worker #9871245, busily hauling a piece of quartz fragment 350 times his own weight to the new Colony site, tentatively slated for a hitherto undeveloped region of the Sandbox more than five feet from the previous Colony's ruins.

Added #9871245: "Work to be done." He then repeated the phrase an additional 900 times.

Though #9871245's can-do attitude signifies a spirit of hopefulness felt within the ant community, many remain concerned about the future.

"He-Of-The-Impossibly-Huge-Grip-Action-Treads may return once again to smite us," Scout #4928763 said. "You've got to understand—I lost 27 dozen of my best friends yesterday."

Speaking via Messenger Squadron from an undisclosed location, the Queen told reporters:

"Our war-making forces are the product of billions of generations of evolution, causing subcategorical phenotypical variations within a single species that stagger the rational mind. Our Warri-ors, weaned on the finest sucrose compounds our Feeder Ants can provide, possess powerful mandibles that can split the thorax of a Shrub Beetle in seven seconds."

"Unfortunately," added the Queen, "He-Whose-Feet-Plummet-Earthwards-From-The-Skies smooshed them with a plastic shovel that had duckies on it."

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