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Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Giants Fan Visiting Philadelphia Feels Betrayed By Bud Light Ad For Eagles

PHILADELPHIA—New York Giants fan Mark DeLeon, 36, told reporters Monday that he felt shocked, hurt, and betrayed after seeing a billboard stating that Bud Light was also the official beer of the Philadelphia Eagles. "What the hell is this? The Eagles—our division rivals for Christ's sake," said a visibly distraught De≠Leon, adding that at the moment he saw the billboard, he realized all the posters, commercials, and promotional plastic cups pairing the low-calorie lager with his favorite football team were "complete bullshit." "While they're at it, why not just put a stake in my heart and tell me Bud Light is also the official beer of the fucking Red Sox." DeLeon added that he plans to take revenge on the disloyal company by drinking Bud Light Lime.

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Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

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