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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

Guest Searches Hand Towel For Low-Traffic Area

INDIO, CA—Noting several distinct patches of damp, matted fibers, houseguest Tara Muirsky scoured her host’s lone bathroom towel for a low-traffic area with which to dry her hands, sources confirmed Monday.

Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.
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Giants Fan Visiting Philadelphia Feels Betrayed By Bud Light Ad For Eagles

PHILADELPHIA—New York Giants fan Mark DeLeon, 36, told reporters Monday that he felt shocked, hurt, and betrayed after seeing a billboard stating that Bud Light was also the official beer of the Philadelphia Eagles. "What the hell is this? The Eagles—our division rivals for Christ's sake," said a visibly distraught De≠Leon, adding that at the moment he saw the billboard, he realized all the posters, commercials, and promotional plastic cups pairing the low-calorie lager with his favorite football team were "complete bullshit." "While they're at it, why not just put a stake in my heart and tell me Bud Light is also the official beer of the fucking Red Sox." DeLeon added that he plans to take revenge on the disloyal company by drinking Bud Light Lime.

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Area Man Excited To Hear Girlfriend Has Been Doing A Lot Of Thinking

‘She Must Have Come Up With A Really Great Idea,’ Says Man

ELMHURST, IL—Barely able to contain his enthusiasm for whatever they would be talking about later on, area man Marc Kahan was reportedly excited to hear that his girlfriend has been doing a lot of thinking, saying Thursday that she must have come up with a really great idea.

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