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Area Man Convinced He Could Have Been NFL Bust

DES MOINES, IA—Insisting that he possessed the physical and mental attributes to be one of the most disappointing draft picks of all time, local man Keith Parker, 34, was reportedly convinced Thursday that he could have been an NFL bust.

Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.
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Giants Move Tom Coughlin To Assisted-Coaching Facility

EAST RUTHERFORD, NJ—Saying that they held off taking such a drastic step for as long as they could, officials from the New York Giants confirmed Wednesday that the team had made the difficult decision to move head coach Tom Coughlin into an assisted-coaching facility. “We know Tom likes his independence, but ultimately we had no choice—at least this way he won’t have to completely stop what he loves doing while still getting the proper supervision and attention he needs,” said offensive coordinator Ben McAdoo, adding that he was hopeful the 69-year-old Coughlin would grow to appreciate the center’s many amenities, including trained staff on-site 24 hours per day ready to help residents read playbooks, review game film, and manage the clock during the fourth quarter. “We all knew this day would eventually come, and even though he was definitely a little hesitant about it, we think it’s for the best. Honestly, it’s a huge relief knowing that there are caretakers always around just in case, God forbid, something awful happens when Tom is trying to call some plays in the middle of a game.” Sources at the facility later confirmed that Giants quarterback Eli Manning has thus far been the only player to have visited Coughlin.


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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

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