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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

NEW YORK—Following their first practice since their disastrous 38-0 loss to the Panthers, several Giants players reportedly expressed concern Monday that they are actually all on the same page. “Unfortunately, I think we’re communicating well, have great team chemistry, and have generally gelled to form one cohesive unit,” said defensive end Justin Tuck, fearing that at this point the product on the field is the result of the team working in complete unison to the best of their abilities. “I hate to say it, but there’s no confusion, zero distractions, and every player is committed to the same goal. It seems like everybody knows exactly what their individual roles are and how all the pieces are supposed to fit together. It’s scary, but we may very well be the full sum of our parts.” Tuck added that he is extremely worried that every single one of his teammates responded to his demand last week that they step up their game.

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