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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

NEW YORK—Following their first practice since their disastrous 38-0 loss to the Panthers, several Giants players reportedly expressed concern Monday that they are actually all on the same page. “Unfortunately, I think we’re communicating well, have great team chemistry, and have generally gelled to form one cohesive unit,” said defensive end Justin Tuck, fearing that at this point the product on the field is the result of the team working in complete unison to the best of their abilities. “I hate to say it, but there’s no confusion, zero distractions, and every player is committed to the same goal. It seems like everybody knows exactly what their individual roles are and how all the pieces are supposed to fit together. It’s scary, but we may very well be the full sum of our parts.” Tuck added that he is extremely worried that every single one of his teammates responded to his demand last week that they step up their game.

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