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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Giants Nervous They Might Actually All Be On Same Page

NEW YORK—Following their first practice since their disastrous 38-0 loss to the Panthers, several Giants players reportedly expressed concern Monday that they are actually all on the same page. “Unfortunately, I think we’re communicating well, have great team chemistry, and have generally gelled to form one cohesive unit,” said defensive end Justin Tuck, fearing that at this point the product on the field is the result of the team working in complete unison to the best of their abilities. “I hate to say it, but there’s no confusion, zero distractions, and every player is committed to the same goal. It seems like everybody knows exactly what their individual roles are and how all the pieces are supposed to fit together. It’s scary, but we may very well be the full sum of our parts.” Tuck added that he is extremely worried that every single one of his teammates responded to his demand last week that they step up their game.

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