adBlockCheck

Sports

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
End Of Section
  • More News

Giants: 'We Almost Beat The Patriots Once, We Can Almost Beat Them Again'

NEW YORK—As they come closer to their Super Bowl clash with the formidable Patriots—the team they nearly defeated in late December—the Giants are confident that they can come close to beating the undefeated AFC champions on football's biggest stage.

"This team has already tasted victory against the Patriots," head coach Tom Coughlin said Monday. "By which I mean we were so close to victory that we could taste it. True, we did not actually experience that victory, but we came as close to beating them as anyone else has this season. That's the kind of team we believe we are, and I think the Super Bowl will prove that."

Couglin and his assistant coaches have been painstakingly breaking down game films from their Week 17 meeting with New England, analyzing every vital, near-victorious second for anything that might help them come that tantalizingly close to winning for the second time in as many months. They acknowledge that the Patriots are very good indeed, but the Giants believe they can draw on the experience of that near-victory, the confidence they discovered in barely losing to undefeated New England, and the lessons learned in forcing Bill Belichick's juggernaut to come from 12 points behind and beat them in the final minutes.

"This team really believes they can come close to winning the Super Bowl—very, very close," Giants quarterback Eli Manning said Tuesday after spending the morning watching film of his Dec. 29 home loss, film that laid bare the crucial interception he threw to Pats corner Ellis Hobbs. "We can come so close to beating them, so very, heartbreakingly close, that every player here will take it to their graves."

"This will be one to tell my kids about, that's for sure," Michael Strahan said. "If we can pull it off and almost beat these guys, they'll be showing those highlights until the end of time. When I die and come before those Pearly Gates, St. Peter himself will look down at me and say 'So, Michael, what was it like to be an eyelash away from winning that Super Bowl against those Patriots?' And Heaven itself will hold its breath while I tell them how we almost did it."

Meanwhile, in Foxborough, the Patriots are being careful not to give the Giants any bulletin-board material.

"Yeah, they good, they good," wideout Randy Moss said when told of the Giants attitude. "They got a good team. I guess we can't get too upset if they think they can nearly pull it off. Plus, hey, you got to admit, it ain't bragging if it's true. And they did nearly almost come close to practically beating us, come to think of it."

"Didn't, though," Moss added. "18 and oh, baby!"

Still, the Giants refuse to be completely intimidated.

"We stood up to them once, hit 'em in the mouth, and made them beat us," Coughlin said, noting that in the previous meeting, the Giants defense put the Patriots in the challenging position of having to score three times over the last 20 minutes of the game, which the Patriots naturally did with time to spare and without apparent effort. "And mark my words, that's what we're going to do in the Super Bowl—meet their strengths with ours, play as hard and as fast as we can, and force them to eventually beat us."

"Oh, crap," Coughlin added. "Crap. We're going to lose the Super Bowl."

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close