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Greatest Super Bowl Halftime Shows

The Super Bowl halftime show is a long tradition as occasionally exciting as the game itself. The Onion takes a look back at the all-time greatest Super Bowl halftime shows.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 31, 2017

Aries: They say there’s nothing quite like the bond between a mother and her child, but then they have yet to see your experimental new adhesive compound. Taurus: The stars, in their infinite wisdom, recommend that you check yourself this week, as not doing so might lead you to wreck yourself in the future.

Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

How Movies Receive Their Ratings

Many Americans use the MPAA’s formalized rating system as a guide for which films to see. The Onion provides a step-by-step view into how these ratings are chosen:
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Giddy Thom Yorke Goes To Bed Early To Make Grammy Day Get Here Sooner

OXFORD, ENGLAND—So unable to contain his excitement he was nearly squealing aloud with glee, giddy Radiohead frontman Thom Yorke reportedly went to bed as early as he could Saturday night in an effort to make the morning of the Grammy Awards get here sooner. “Grammy day is my favorite day in the whole wide world,” a giggling Yorke said as he eagerly snuggled up beneath his covers, his bedroom strewn with drawings of Grammy statuettes and magazine cutouts of today’s biggest pop superstars. “I get to see all my favorite singers perform on one big stage, and there are bright lights and neat costumes and tons of funny jokes about music. It’s the most fun day ever! I wish I had a time machine so I could make it be Grammy day right now.” According to sources, Yorke then briefly scurried out of bed so he could lay out his Grammy outfit, making sure it was ready to go for the big day.

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Your Horoscopes — Week Of January 24, 2017

Aquarius No offense, but when got into this business, dealing with empty and meaningless futures like yours sure as hell wasn’t what it had in mind. Pisces Though you’ve been told that dressing up once in a while wouldn’t kill you, the coroner’s report this week will contain evidence to the contrary.

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