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Nation’s Sanitation Workers Announce Everything Finally Clean

‘Please Try To Keep It This Way,’ Say Workers

WASHINGTON—After spending years sweeping and scrubbing across all 50 states, the nation’s sanitation workers announced Thursday that everything was finally clean and asked Americans if they could please keep it that way.

Grandma Looking Like Absolute Shit Lately

VERO BEACH, FL—Unable to ignore the 86-year-old’s dramatic physical decline since they last saw her, sources within the Delahunt family reported Monday that their grandmother Shirley is looking like absolute shit lately.

Family Sadly Marks First 4/20 Without Grandmother

ALBANY, NY—Reminiscing about the departed matriarch while partaking in the annual festivities, members of the Osterman family sadly marked their first 4/20 since the passing of their grandmother, sources reported Thursday.

Report: Store Out Of Good Kind

UTICA, NY—Unable to locate them on their usual shelf, local man George Rambart, 41, reported Thursday that the store was out of the good kind.

Relapse Greatest Week Of Man’s Life

TAMPA, FL—Exhilarated for every minute of his multiday binge, local man Todd Caramanica told reporters Thursday that his relapse into crippling alcoholism has been the greatest week of his life.

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Breaking: Waiter Picking Up Napkin With Bare Hand

SAN ANTONIO—Watching in horror as he directly handles the dirty, crumpled piece of paper without the aid of a glove or any other sanitary barrier, Sunset Grove Cafe patron Samantha Barnes is at this moment panicking upon noticing that her waiter has picked up her used napkin with his bare hand.
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Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources

ANNANDALE, VA—Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including numerous electives and AP courses that require more advanced textbooks and specialized lab supplies, and that’s not even counting her participation in band, choir, and a number of after-school clubs that we’d never even heard of until she petitioned the board for more funding,” said the school’s principal, William Donohue, who explained that while Moncrief’s decision to meet with a math teacher one-on-one to pursue college-level linear algebra was “financially doable,” the school was really being pushed beyond its means by her desire to create and edit a full-length digital film project. “Continuing to challenge her intellectually is using up all of our staff’s time and a significant portion of our budget. The truth is, our district is just not equipped in any way, shape, or form to handle a child who’s this driven to succeed.” School administrators told reporters they had considered, but ultimately rejected, a last-ditch effort to slow Moncrief down by loosening their anti-bullying rules.

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