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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources

ANNANDALE, VA—Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including numerous electives and AP courses that require more advanced textbooks and specialized lab supplies, and that’s not even counting her participation in band, choir, and a number of after-school clubs that we’d never even heard of until she petitioned the board for more funding,” said the school’s principal, William Donohue, who explained that while Moncrief’s decision to meet with a math teacher one-on-one to pursue college-level linear algebra was “financially doable,” the school was really being pushed beyond its means by her desire to create and edit a full-length digital film project. “Continuing to challenge her intellectually is using up all of our staff’s time and a significant portion of our budget. The truth is, our district is just not equipped in any way, shape, or form to handle a child who’s this driven to succeed.” School administrators told reporters they had considered, but ultimately rejected, a last-ditch effort to slow Moncrief down by loosening their anti-bullying rules.

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