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Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.
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Gifted, Passionate Student Really Stretching Limits Of School’s Resources

ANNANDALE, VA—Calling the sophomore’s hunger for knowledge “out of control,” officials at Pine Hills High School confirmed Monday that gifted and highly passionate student Sophie Moncrief, 16, is really stretching the school’s resources to their breaking point. “This kid’s got a full slate of classes, including numerous electives and AP courses that require more advanced textbooks and specialized lab supplies, and that’s not even counting her participation in band, choir, and a number of after-school clubs that we’d never even heard of until she petitioned the board for more funding,” said the school’s principal, William Donohue, who explained that while Moncrief’s decision to meet with a math teacher one-on-one to pursue college-level linear algebra was “financially doable,” the school was really being pushed beyond its means by her desire to create and edit a full-length digital film project. “Continuing to challenge her intellectually is using up all of our staff’s time and a significant portion of our budget. The truth is, our district is just not equipped in any way, shape, or form to handle a child who’s this driven to succeed.” School administrators told reporters they had considered, but ultimately rejected, a last-ditch effort to slow Moncrief down by loosening their anti-bullying rules.

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Complex Human Being Reduced To ‘Gutter Guy’ For Purposes Of To-Do List

NASHUA, NH—Taken aback by the cursory and near total diminishment of the living, breathing human being’s multifaceted existence, sources confirmed Monday that a complex individual with rich and intensely personal dreams, ideas, and feelings had been reduced to “gutter guy” for the purposes of an area couple’s to-do list.

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