adBlockCheck

Sports

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.

Strongside/Weakside: Ezekiel Elliott

After becoming only the third player in NFL history to rush for 1,000 yards in his first nine games, Dallas Cowboys rookie running back Ezekiel Elliott is an early candidate for league MVP. Is he any good?

Strongside/Weakside: Theo Epstein

In just five seasons, Chicago Cubs president of baseball operations Theo Epstein assembled a team that is competing for the franchise’s first World Series title since 1908. Is he any good?

Jumbotron Really Trying To Push New Third-Down Cheer On Fans

SAN DIEGO—Noting that the phrase had appeared in large blue letters during each of the team’s offensive drives, sources at Qualcomm Stadium confirmed Friday that the Jumbotron was trying really hard to push a new third-down cheer on San Diego Chargers fans.

Strongside/Weakside: Kris Bryant

By leading the Chicago Cubs in hits and home runs en route to their second straight playoff appearance, Kris Bryant has placed himself in the running for the National League MVP. Is he any good?

Rest Of Nation To Penn State: ‘Something Is Very Wrong With All Of You’

WASHINGTON—Stating they felt deeply unnerved by the community’s unwavering and impassioned defense of a football program and administration that enabled child sexual abuse over the course of several decades, the rest of the country informed Penn State University Friday that there is clearly something very wrong with all of them.

Strongside/Weakside: Lamar Jackson

After passing for eight touchdowns and rushing for another 10 in just the first three weeks of the season, Louisville Cardinals sophomore quarterback Lamar Jackson has quickly become the frontrunner to win the Heisman Trophy. Is he any good?
End Of Section
  • More News

Gin-Soaked Craig Kilborn Shows Up Broke, Homeless At SportsCenter Studio

BRISTOL, CT—Craig Kilborn, the former host of The Late Late Show With Craig Kilborn, actor from the film The Benchwarmers, and SportsCenter anchor from 1993 to 1997, was spotted at 5:30 a.m. this morning broke, homeless, and passed out in front of ESPN's SportsCenter studios.

According to ESPN sources, Kilborn appeared even thinner and more frail than usual, reeked of cigarette smoke and gin, and his clothes—a moth-eaten dark suit that may have been the same one he wore in his last-ever SportsCenter appearance—were in tatters. Kilborn was reportedly only wearing one shoe at the time of his discovery.

Onlookers stated that, upon being woken up from his drunken stupor, the still-inebriated Kilborn asked to be shown to his "regular dressing room." The gangly, 6'5" former anchor then eluded security for long enough to stumble down the studio halls and blurt out random catchphrases from his broadcasting days at SportsCenter, including but not limited to "Gettin' giddy in the zone," "If it feels good, do it," and "The low angle spank!"

"Craiggers is back, people," said Kilborn, whose signature gelled blond hair was described in a later police report as dank and lice-ridden. "Nothing to be afraid of, folks. This is just Kilby simply being Kilby. Release. Rotation. Splash."

Kilborn then regurgitated in a nearby garbage can.

"Da da da—Da da da," an increasingly aggressive Kilborn audibly hummed in a mocking tone, mimicking  the final six notes of SportsCenter's theme song while still hovering over the trash receptacle. "I'm Craig Kilborn. He's Dan Patrick. Welcome to the feel-good edition of SportsCenter. Unless you're me, and you feel like complete shit because your whole life is nothing but a goddamn joke."

"Jumanji!" he added, scaring a nearby production assistant.

Kilborn, who had moved to Los Angeles before apparently going bankrupt, losing his home, and becoming a vagrant, would not comment as to how he ended up in Bristol, CT, but police sources said they later found a Mercedes registered to Kilborn's older sister broken down on the side of nearby I-95. The vehicle had clearly been lived in for weeks, possibly even months.

"Craig looked, sounded, and smelled awful," said former colleague Kenny Mayne, who spent half an hour attempting to talk Kilborn out of his makeup chair. "But then again, as a broke, homeless man, that's his job."

Though Kilborn did not harm anyone and was treated with respect by current employees during his unannounced visit to his former employer, his mood shifted noticeably when he saw a framed picture of former ESPN anchor Keith Olbermann.

"Keith!" Kilborn said as he opened doors to the sound, graphics, and editing bays. "Come out, you son-of-a-bitch. I know you're in here somewhere. I just want to talk to you for a second. I got your daily dose of Did You Know right here!"

Olbermann was at MSNBC studios in Secaucus, NJ at the time.

After ransacking sportscaster Stuart Scott's dressing room, urinating on his own shoes, and emerging with a tie knotted around his bare, sweaty neck, Kilborn proceeded to interrupt the 6 a.m. broadcast of SportsCenter by forcibly removing anchor Scott Van Pelt, whom Kilborn referred to as a "wannabe," from his chair.

Kilborn then repeatedly attempted to kiss former colleague Linda Cohn.

"Miss me, baby?" Kilborn said while unsuccessfully trying to suppress a fit of belching. "I gotta say, I'm—I'm—I'm proud of ya, Linda. Longevity, people. This woman just drips longevity. Drips. Linda Cohn, everyone!"

Added Kilborn: "Stick around, folks. I've got five questions with Linda coming up right after the break. Maybe this time she'll say 'yes.'"

Kilborn then burst into tears, collapsed, and was eventually escorted out of ESPN headquarters. According to employees, Kilborn mumbled underneath his breath that he was starving and would be "dropping by" The Daily Show studios, hopefully before they took down the staff's free lunch buffet.

"They still do that there, right?" Kilborn asked.

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close