Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

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TIGARD, OR—Citing the fact that having another spoonful or two wasn't going to make much of a difference at this point anyway, a crippling bout of clinical depression reported Tuesday there was definitely still some Nutella left in that jar. 

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Gingrich Desperately Trying To Court People-Who-Vote Vote

WASHINGTON—Hoping to gain key wins in today's primaries, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich has adopted a new strategy that targets the crucial people-who-vote demographic, sources confirmed. "Gingrich has repeatedly failed to attract the Americans-who-participate-in-the-electoral-process vote," said Washington-based pollster S. David Pollack, explaining how the former House speaker's lack of support among this segment of the population has hurt his chances of winning the Republican nomination. "He just doesn't really connect with people who pay attention to candidates for public office and then go to a polling place to cast a ballot. Unfortunately for Gingrich, this group makes up roughly 100 percent of likely voters, and is simply too important to ignore." Although the people-who-vote vote is a redoubtable force in American politics, critics claim its power is unfair and disproportionate, as it makes up only a small percentage of the overall population.

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