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Breaking: ACLU Hard As A Fucking Rock Right Now

NEW YORK—In response to President Trump’s declaration that transgendered Americans would no longer be permitted to serve in the military, the ACLU announced Wednesday that it was hard as a fucking rock right now.

Voter Fraud: Myth Vs. Fact

Concerns over fraudulent voting have grown since the 2016 election, with President Trump himself claiming that millions of people voted illegally. The Onion debunks some common myths about voter fraud.
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Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more," said Gingrich, adding that if he'd made a few more statements about Israel or used some more "Jewey words" he could have easily "locked down the hebe vote." "Even though I was busy showing those beaners I liked tacos, I should have made some time to light a few candles near a synagogue or something. Those old Jews are so far gone at this point that you really need to beat the Jew stuff into their heads for anything to stick." As the Gingrich campaign shifts its focus to Nevada, the former House speaker declared his resolve to really galvanize that state's voters, including the "faggier ones."

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