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Politics

Bill O’Reilly Tearfully Packs Up Framed Up-Skirt Photos From Desk

NEW YORK—Smiling wistfully as he gazed at the cherished mementos that had sat on his desk for much of the past 20 years, former Fox News commentator Bill O’Reilly reportedly grew teary-eyed Thursday as he packed up the framed up-skirt photos from his work space following his termination by the cable channel.

Donald Trump Jr. Takes Son On Hunting Trip In National Zoo

WASHINGTON—In what he referred to as an important rite of passage for his 8-year-old son, Donald John III, Donald Trump Jr. took his eldest boy to the Smithsonian National Zoological Park for his first-ever hunting trip, sources said Wednesday.

Islam: Myth Vs. Fact

In the wake of President Trump’s proposed immigration ban targeting largely Muslim countries, The Onion separates myth from fact regarding the religion of Islam.
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Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more," said Gingrich, adding that if he'd made a few more statements about Israel or used some more "Jewey words" he could have easily "locked down the hebe vote." "Even though I was busy showing those beaners I liked tacos, I should have made some time to light a few candles near a synagogue or something. Those old Jews are so far gone at this point that you really need to beat the Jew stuff into their heads for anything to stick." As the Gingrich campaign shifts its focus to Nevada, the former House speaker declared his resolve to really galvanize that state's voters, including the "faggier ones."

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