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Politics

Revelations From Hillary Clinton’s New Memoir

‘What Happened,’ a new memoir detailing the trials and tribulations of Hillary Clinton’s 2016 campaign, was released today, with Clinton supporters and detractors already divided on its contents. Here are some of Hillary’s bombshell revelations:

Joe Arpaio’s Family Surprises Him With Detained Hispanic Motorist

FOUNTAIN HILLS, AZ—In celebration of the dismissal of his conviction for criminal contempt via presidential pardon, Joe Arpaio’s family reportedly sought to surprise the former sheriff Tuesday with a 30-year-old Mexican national whom they detained on suspicion of having entered the country illegally.
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Gingrich Privately Regretting Not Doing 'More Jew Stuff' On Florida Campaign Trail

ORLANDO, FL—A day after losing the Florida primary, Republican presidential candidate Newt Gingrich told reporters his biggest regret in the Sunshine State was "not getting out there and doing more Jew stuff." "I should have worn one of those little beanies around more often, had a photo op with a rabbi, and, you know, just Jewed things up a bit more," said Gingrich, adding that if he'd made a few more statements about Israel or used some more "Jewey words" he could have easily "locked down the hebe vote." "Even though I was busy showing those beaners I liked tacos, I should have made some time to light a few candles near a synagogue or something. Those old Jews are so far gone at this point that you really need to beat the Jew stuff into their heads for anything to stick." As the Gingrich campaign shifts its focus to Nevada, the former House speaker declared his resolve to really galvanize that state's voters, including the "faggier ones."

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