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Milestones In X Games History

With the X Games kicking off in Minneapolis this Thursday, The Onion looks back at memorable moments in the event’s 22-year history:

ESPN Holds Daytime ESPYs

HARTFORD, CT—Recognizing the best in sports programming that occurs on weekdays from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m., ESPN held the Daytime ESPY Awards at the Hartford XL Center Wednesday afternoon.

Man Hoping Game Gets Out Of Hand So He Can Do Something Else

DENVER—Settling into his apartment’s cramped living room to watch the midday game, local man Garrett Neubauer told reporters Wednesday that he hoped the televised baseball game between the Colorado Rockies and the San Francisco Giants would get out of hand soon so he could do something else.

OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.
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Girardi Unsure If CC Sabathia Can Walk Out To Mound On 3 Days' Rest

NEW YORK—Yankees manager Joe Girardi admitted to reporters Wednesday that he still had doubts that starter CC Sabathia could muster the energy and strength to endure walking to the mound on just three days' rest. "I'm fairly sure he can make it about halfway to the mound, but he's going to be exhausted," said Girardi, expressing concerns about the wear and tear on his ace pitcher's body. "Usually he only makes it without collapsing on four days' rest, but this is the ALCS, so he might just have to gut it out. Either way, we are going to keep a close eye on his step count." Girardi said he planned to have Sabathia conserve energy by sitting down between pitches, and intended to have seven or eight players carry the 2007 Cy Young winner into the dugout after each inning.

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