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The Onion Introduces: The Book Bjorn

Replete with an astonishing assemblage of facts, illustrations, maps, charts, threats, blood and additional fees to edify even the most simple-minded book-buyer, The Onion Book Of Known Knowledge is packed with valuable information--such as the life stage...

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.

Stunned Adam Schefter Receives Ominous Tip From Future Self

BRISTOL, CT—Slowly returning to his desk shaken and confused, sources reported Wednesday that ESPN NFL Insider Adam Schefter was stunned to receive an ominous tip from his future self while walking through one of his office building’s hallways.

‘FanSided’ Ranks All 128 NFL Teams

NEW YORK—As part of its comprehensive professional football coverage in anticipation of the upcoming season, sports news site ‘FanSided’ published an article Tuesday ranking all 128 NFL teams.
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Girardi Unsure If CC Sabathia Can Walk Out To Mound On 3 Days' Rest

NEW YORK—Yankees manager Joe Girardi admitted to reporters Wednesday that he still had doubts that starter CC Sabathia could muster the energy and strength to endure walking to the mound on just three days' rest. "I'm fairly sure he can make it about halfway to the mound, but he's going to be exhausted," said Girardi, expressing concerns about the wear and tear on his ace pitcher's body. "Usually he only makes it without collapsing on four days' rest, but this is the ALCS, so he might just have to gut it out. Either way, we are going to keep a close eye on his step count." Girardi said he planned to have Sabathia conserve energy by sitting down between pitches, and intended to have seven or eight players carry the 2007 Cy Young winner into the dugout after each inning.

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