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OB-GYN Assures Serena Williams Fetus Developing Serve On Schedule

WEST PALM BEACH, FL—Observing that the unborn child was producing the smooth, fluid strokes expected in the third trimester, ob-gyn Dr. Theresa Umbers reportedly assured world No. 4–ranked tennis player Serena Williams at an appointment Tuesday that her fetus was developing its serve right on schedule.

New Report Finds MMA Could Be Bad For Your Knees

LOS ANGELES—Following a 10-year study of more than 500 professional and amateur fighters, a report released Thursday by the UCLA Department of Physiology found that mixed martial arts could be bad for your knees.

Mr. Met’s Son Beginning To Think He Adopted

NEW YORK—Pointing out that there was little physical resemblance between himself and the rest of his family, the 10-year-old son of New York Mets mascot Mr. Met told reporters Tuesday that he was beginning to think he was adopted.

Best Sports Stadiums

As Detroit prepares to demolish and say goodbye to the storied Joe Louis Arena, Onion Sports examines some of the greatest stadiums of all time.

Mom Finds Disturbing Reading Material In Teenage Son’s Bedroom

OMAHA, NE—Saying she felt disgusted and saddened by the shocking discovery, local woman Beth Loomis told reporters Thursday that she was deeply disturbed after finding recruitment reading material from the Baylor University football team in her teenage son’s bedroom.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.
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Girl Dating Star Recruit Thrilled To Learn Auburn Athletic Department Hiring

AUBURN, AL—Explaining that the opportunity is simply too good to pass up, 18-year-old Kendra Howard, who is currently dating one of the country's most coveted high school quarterbacks, expressed her excitement to reporters Friday upon learning of a new employment opening that just happened to become available at Auburn University’s athletic department. “They just approached me out of nowhere, but it’s perfect timing since I’m about to graduate high school and could really use a good job,” said Howard, adding that the 30-hour-a-week salaried position comes with a 401(k) plan and a generous benefits package. “They didn’t really mention what I would be doing, but they said that I’m exactly what they’re looking for and that I’d be a great fit for the position. And the best part is I’ll be on the same campus as Brian once he starts practice in the summer, which is such a lucky coincidence.” Howard added that she is also looking forward to seeing the familiar face of her boyfriend’s high school football coach, who will reportedly be joining the Tigers as their new quality control specialist in the fall.

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