adBlockCheck

Local

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
End Of Section
  • More News

Girl Finally Speaking Up Enough For People To Critique Her Speaking Voice

TOPEKA, KS—Having finally built up the courage to raise her hand and voice her opinions in front of her peers and teachers, local 15-year-old Olivia Kushnick is reportedly now talking enough in class for others to begin criticizing her speaking voice, sources confirmed Monday. “She used to rarely say anything, but in the past couple weeks she’s grown confident enough to answer questions out loud, opening herself up to endless ridicule of her high-pitched, kind of childish-sounding voice,” said English teacher Pat Reese, noting that the ninth-grader’s slower-than-average delivery and tendency to trail off at the end of long sentences have been regularly mocked and derided by her classmates, as well as several of her teachers, since she began showing a willingness to participate in group discussions. “She often speaks with an inflection that makes it hard to tell if she’s making a statement or asking a question, which I frustratedly point out to her every time I hear it. Plus, she has kind of a nasally voice, which she really never hears the end of from the rest of the class.” When reached for comment, Kushnick told reporters she was considering going back to her old habit of stoically saying nothing throughout the school day when she was simply judged by others to be a stuck-up bitch.

More Videos

WATCH VIDEO FROM THE ONION

More from this section

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close