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Mom In Nightgown Mode

APPLETON, WI—Noting that the changeover occurred “right on schedule” after she had finished the dishes and watched TV for an hour or two, family sources confirmed Monday night that local mom Linda Rampling had officially transitioned into nightgown mode.

Car Rolls Up To Stoplight Blasting Google Maps Directions

HOUSTON—Attracting the attention of adjacent motorists and nearby pedestrians who turned their heads to see where the booming noise was coming from, a 2006 Ford Focus is said to have rolled up to a local stoplight Friday blaring Google Maps directions.

34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.
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Girl Finally Speaking Up Enough For People To Critique Her Speaking Voice

TOPEKA, KS—Having finally built up the courage to raise her hand and voice her opinions in front of her peers and teachers, local 15-year-old Olivia Kushnick is reportedly now talking enough in class for others to begin criticizing her speaking voice, sources confirmed Monday. “She used to rarely say anything, but in the past couple weeks she’s grown confident enough to answer questions out loud, opening herself up to endless ridicule of her high-pitched, kind of childish-sounding voice,” said English teacher Pat Reese, noting that the ninth-grader’s slower-than-average delivery and tendency to trail off at the end of long sentences have been regularly mocked and derided by her classmates, as well as several of her teachers, since she began showing a willingness to participate in group discussions. “She often speaks with an inflection that makes it hard to tell if she’s making a statement or asking a question, which I frustratedly point out to her every time I hear it. Plus, she has kind of a nasally voice, which she really never hears the end of from the rest of the class.” When reached for comment, Kushnick told reporters she was considering going back to her old habit of stoically saying nothing throughout the school day when she was simply judged by others to be a stuck-up bitch.

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