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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.

Family Moves Elderly Aunt Into Subconscious

RIO RANCHO, NM—After months spent deliberating the best option for their family, members of the Cooper household decided on Monday to move their elderly aunt Joyce Reynolds into their collective subconscious.

Wife Dropping Hints She Ready To Have Second Husband

LA JOLLA, CA—Noticing a sudden change in her demeanor and attentiveness when around young married men, sources confirmed Tuesday that area woman Michelle Roderick was beginning to drop hints that she wanted to try for a second husband.
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Girl Has Just Enough Physical Flaws To Maybe Take Man Seriously

BOISE, ID—Local auto-repair specialist Jim Ervine told reporters Thursday that an attractive woman he has spotted at the 4th Avenue Tavern may possess enough physical flaws not to simply reject him out of hand. "When you first look at her you see an eight, maybe even a nine, but if you examine closely you notice a slight overbite and asymmetrical eyes," said Ervine, who calculates that the birthmark on the woman's neck will make her more willing to overlook the fact that he's 15 pounds over weight. "Unless she had supportive parents who instilled her with a lot of self-esteem, I should have a chance. A good chance." Ervine said he plans on glancing occasionally at the woman's bony knuckles to give himself the confidence he needs to approach her.

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