Girl Has Just Enough Physical Flaws To Maybe Take Man Seriously

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Vol 46 Issue 43

Desperate NFL Needs Big Win To Turn Season Around

NEW YORK—After eight weeks of play with no teams emerging as clear front-runners, the National Football League desperately needs at least one spectacular win to salvage its lackluster season, sources confirmed Monday.

Townsfolk Strongly Prefer Man's Werewolf Incarnation

BLACK FOREST, GERMANY—Townsfolk told reporters Tuesday that they can't wait for the next full moon, as they much prefer the bloodthirsty lycanthropic form of "insufferable" local blacksmith Hans Meyer, who was bitten by a werewolf eight mo...
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Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Productivity

Scientists Posit Theoretical ‘Productive Weekend’

CAMBRIDGE, MA—Challenging long-accepted scientific convention, a group of leading MIT scientists published a report Thursday positing that, under certain rare and specific conditions, a so-called “productive weekend” is theoretically pos...

Small Business

Girl Has Just Enough Physical Flaws To Maybe Take Man Seriously

BOISE, ID—Local auto-repair specialist Jim Ervine told reporters Thursday that an attractive woman he has spotted at the 4th Avenue Tavern may possess enough physical flaws not to simply reject him out of hand. "When you first look at her you see an eight, maybe even a nine, but if you examine closely you notice a slight overbite and asymmetrical eyes," said Ervine, who calculates that the birthmark on the woman's neck will make her more willing to overlook the fact that he's 15 pounds over weight. "Unless she had supportive parents who instilled her with a lot of self-esteem, I should have a chance. A good chance." Ervine said he plans on glancing occasionally at the woman's bony knuckles to give himself the confidence he needs to approach her.

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