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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Girl In Park Acts Like It's No Big Deal She's Wearing Bikini

TOLEDO, OH—Angela Liss, 21, made like it was no big deal that she was wearing a bikini in the park Monday. "She's all, 'Doo-dee-doo, I'm just hanging out here at the park,' like nothing's unusual," said Josh Arvada, moments after the curvaceous blonde asked him for the time. "Does she have any idea how fundamentally it alters the conversational dynamic when a woman is dressed like that?" Liss then casually applied lotion to her shoulders and legs, as if that wasn't a big deal, either.

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