adBlockCheck

Local

‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
End Of Section
  • More News

Girl Slept With For Her Sake

TULSA, OK—University of Tulsa sophomore Ben Stoll was gracious enough to sleep with third-year law student Rosie Andriessen Monday. "Rosie had been acting insecure and needy all evening, so I figured I'd help her out a bit," said Stoll, who met Andriessen last year through common friends. "She probably thinks she's too chubby. It must be a big boost for her to have sex with a guy like me." Stoll decided not to call Andriessen the next day, nor to return any calls she might make, so as not to get her hopes up.

More from this section

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close