adBlockCheck

Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too

Top Headlines

Local

Mom Learns About New Vegetable

MERRILVILLE, IN—Excitedly sharing the news with her husband and two teenage children, local mother Karen Tyson, 49, learned about a new vegetable Wednesday, sources confirmed.

Cover Letter Specifically Tailored To Company Even Sadder Than Generic Ones

BEDMINSTER, NJ—Wincing noticeably as they read the applicant’s claim that he has “always wanted to work for the leading midsize pharmaceutical advertising and brand strategy group in the tri-state area,” sources at Percepta Healthcare Communications confirmed Tuesday that a cover letter specifically tailored to their company was much sadder than any of the generic ones they had received for a recently posted job opening.

Grandmother Doesn’t Care For New Priest

SPENCERPORT, NY—Voicing criticism of the man’s general demeanor and the hurried pace of his masses, local grandmother and St. Rafael Catholic Church parishioner Patricia Trudel, 72, told reporters Friday she doesn’t care much for the congregation’s new priest.

Mom Brings Home Little Plaque That Says ‘Family’

GAITHERSBURG, MD—Describing how she hung the newly purchased decoration on the living room wall immediately upon returning, sources confirmed Tuesday that area mom Patricia Matheson had brought home a little wooden plaque that says “Family.”

Mentally Unbalanced Man Still Waiting For The Right Trump Comment To Incite Him

HARRISBURG, PA—Explaining that the candidate’s recent inflammatory statements had further stoked his uncontrollable fury but hadn’t quite pushed him over the edge, local resident and mentally unhinged man Peter Scheft told reporters Friday he is still waiting for the exact right comment from Trump that will incite him to action.

No One Really Knows What Dad Was Doing From 1985 To 1988

BOSTON—Unable to recall a single instance in which their father mentioned any details about his early adulthood, the children of local man Alan Murphy confirmed Monday they had no idea what he was doing between the years of 1985 and 1988.

Home Depot Employee Can Tell This Customer’s First Attempt At Pipe Bomb

APPLETON, WI—Shaking his head Monday as the customer selected a length of plastic pipe over a stronger metal alternative and placed it into his shopping cart, local Home Depot sales associate Graham Warner, 57, was reportedly able to tell right away that this was the store patron’s first attempt at making a pipe bomb.

Man Entirely Different Misogynist Online Than In Real Life

CHATTANOOGA, TN—Explaining how his subtle belittlement and disrespect for women in face-to-face interactions had little in common with the bold, outspoken manner in which he degrades women when he’s on social media or website message boards, sources reported Tuesday that local man Colin McManus is a totally different misogynist online than in real life.

Man Has Loyalty To Pretzel Brand

BROWNSVILLE, TX—Describing them as “the best pretzels out there” and “the only ones [he] buy[s],” local resident Ned Carlisle expressed his firm loyalty to Snyder’s of Hanover–brand pretzels Tuesday.

Seagull This Far Inland Must Be Total Fuckup

KNOXVILLE, TN—Questioning how the bird could have possibly ended up more than 300 miles from the nearest ocean, sources confirmed Friday that a seagull that was spotted this far inland must be a total fuckup.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too

BOISE, ID—Seventh-grader Rebecca Hodgson—who recently developed a crush on her English teacher Douglas Patterson—would very likely be horrified to learn that the 47-year-old has similar romantic feelings toward her.

Mr. Patterson

"Mr. Patterson is so smart and nice," said the Lakeland Academy student, completely unaware that the man five years older than her own father not only finds her equally attractive, but also has long and involved fantasies about her. "I really like his smile. And his eyes are gorgeous."

"I know it's silly, but I think Mr. Patterson is kind of sexy," continued Hodgson, blushing with embarrassment and not nearly as frightened as she might be upon discovering that her teacher has a well-worn copy of her yearbook photo next to his bed.

A two-time member of her school's honor roll, Hodgson was placed in the entry-level course at the beginning of the year. Since then, she has been charmed by her teacher's passion for the English language, a passion that pales in comparison to his late-night longing for her.

"Not only is he handsome, but Mr. Patterson is funny as well," said Hodgson, who would never laugh again were she to guess what the 230-pound adult does with her class assignments in his car. "He's not like all the other lame teachers we have at Lakeland. Mr. Patterson is different."

"He doesn't treat us like kids, you know?" added Hodgson.

According to sources, this is only the second crush the seventh-grader has ever had, and the first to be reciprocated by a man who, sometimes after class, likes to sit down at her desk and slowly close his eyes. Excited as she is by her new crush, Hodgson has thus far informed only a few of her classmates about her amorous feelings.

"I told Cynthia that I bet he's a really good kisser and she agreed," Hodgson said less than an hour after field-hockey practice—a practice run by the team's new head coach, Douglas Patterson. "I shouldn't have said anything, though. If he ever found out, I'd probably be in big trouble."

While she remains blissfully unaware of his secret desire for her, Hodgson has expressed excitement over recent events that suggest she might be Patterson's favorite student. According to a smiling Hodgson, her teacher has complimented her dress at every school dance this year and, just last week, held her after class to extol the qualities of her writing, which, Patterson said, shows she has "maturity beyond her years."

In addition, Hodgson reportedly noticed Patterson staring at her from his classroom window during lunch on Monday, but ultimately dismissed the strange incident, claiming that the 47-year-old was "probably just seeing if there were kids smoking on school property."

"I must be completely infatuated with him or something. It's like, everywhere I go, I think I see Mr. Patterson," Hodgson said. "Just yesterday, I looked out my window before going to bed and I could've sworn I saw his Honda Civic parked right across the street. Isn't that crazy?"

When asked how he feels about his students, Patterson said that he loves shaping young and inquisitive minds, enjoys preparing the next generation for the challenges that lie ahead, and has been very happily married for 23 years.

"Rebecca is a very bright and enthusiastic student," Patterson said. "I look forward to following her development at Lakeland Academy for years to come."

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close