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34-Year-Old Asks For Big Piece

MADISON, WI—Directing the server to the large square in the corner, local 34-year-old Matthew Hinke asked for a big piece of cake during a workplace birthday party, sources confirmed Tuesday.

Mom Produces Decorative Gift Bag Out Of Thin Air

LEXINGTON, MA—Conjuring the item into existence along with several sheets of perfectly coordinated tissue paper, local mother Caroline Wolfson, 49, reportedly produced a decorative gift bag out of thin air Tuesday within a mere fraction of a second of her daughter mentioning she needed to wrap a present.

Cake Just Sitting There

Take It

CHICAGO—Assuring you that there was nothing to worry about and not a soul around who would see you, sources confirmed Tuesday that a large piece of chocolate cake was just sitting there and that you should go ahead and take it.

Roommate Skulking Around Edge Of Party Like Victorian Ghost Child

SEATTLE—Appearing initially in the far corner of the living room and then several minutes later on the threshold between the kitchen and the hallway, local roommate Kelsey Stahl was, by multiple accounts, seen skulking around the edge of a house party Friday like a Victorian ghost child.

Man Praying Interviewer Doesn’t Ask Any Questions

MINNEAPOLIS—His mouth going dry and his palms growing sweaty as he arrived at the offices of Regent Advertising Partners to interview for an open account manager position, local man Devin McKee reportedly prayed Thursday that the hiring manager wouldn’t ask him any questions during their meeting.

Man Had No Idea Cough Was Going To Be Wet One

MUSKEGON, MI—Caught completely off guard by the viscous lump of sputum that was dislodged and sent rocketing upward from his lower respiratory tract, area man Luke Reese confirmed Wednesday he had no idea his impending cough was going to be a wet one.
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Girl Would Be Terrified If She Knew Teacher Had Crush On Her Too

BOISE, ID—Seventh-grader Rebecca Hodgson—who recently developed a crush on her English teacher Douglas Patterson—would very likely be horrified to learn that the 47-year-old has similar romantic feelings toward her.

Mr. Patterson

"Mr. Patterson is so smart and nice," said the Lakeland Academy student, completely unaware that the man five years older than her own father not only finds her equally attractive, but also has long and involved fantasies about her. "I really like his smile. And his eyes are gorgeous."

"I know it's silly, but I think Mr. Patterson is kind of sexy," continued Hodgson, blushing with embarrassment and not nearly as frightened as she might be upon discovering that her teacher has a well-worn copy of her yearbook photo next to his bed.

A two-time member of her school's honor roll, Hodgson was placed in the entry-level course at the beginning of the year. Since then, she has been charmed by her teacher's passion for the English language, a passion that pales in comparison to his late-night longing for her.

"Not only is he handsome, but Mr. Patterson is funny as well," said Hodgson, who would never laugh again were she to guess what the 230-pound adult does with her class assignments in his car. "He's not like all the other lame teachers we have at Lakeland. Mr. Patterson is different."

"He doesn't treat us like kids, you know?" added Hodgson.

According to sources, this is only the second crush the seventh-grader has ever had, and the first to be reciprocated by a man who, sometimes after class, likes to sit down at her desk and slowly close his eyes. Excited as she is by her new crush, Hodgson has thus far informed only a few of her classmates about her amorous feelings.

"I told Cynthia that I bet he's a really good kisser and she agreed," Hodgson said less than an hour after field-hockey practice—a practice run by the team's new head coach, Douglas Patterson. "I shouldn't have said anything, though. If he ever found out, I'd probably be in big trouble."

While she remains blissfully unaware of his secret desire for her, Hodgson has expressed excitement over recent events that suggest she might be Patterson's favorite student. According to a smiling Hodgson, her teacher has complimented her dress at every school dance this year and, just last week, held her after class to extol the qualities of her writing, which, Patterson said, shows she has "maturity beyond her years."

In addition, Hodgson reportedly noticed Patterson staring at her from his classroom window during lunch on Monday, but ultimately dismissed the strange incident, claiming that the 47-year-old was "probably just seeing if there were kids smoking on school property."

"I must be completely infatuated with him or something. It's like, everywhere I go, I think I see Mr. Patterson," Hodgson said. "Just yesterday, I looked out my window before going to bed and I could've sworn I saw his Honda Civic parked right across the street. Isn't that crazy?"

When asked how he feels about his students, Patterson said that he loves shaping young and inquisitive minds, enjoys preparing the next generation for the challenges that lie ahead, and has been very happily married for 23 years.

"Rebecca is a very bright and enthusiastic student," Patterson said. "I look forward to following her development at Lakeland Academy for years to come."

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