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Overeager Simpleton Destroys That Which He Loves Most

WICHITA, KS—Agonizingly unaware of his own strength and the devastation it might inflict on the innocent, overeager simpleton Rob McCormick tore apart a bag of potato chips Thursday, despite the fact that it was reportedly what he loved most in all the world.

Raccoon Family Tired Of Taking Care Of Rabid Father

MONTGOMERY, WV—Acknowledging that he has become a real burden on their foraging and nesting activities, a local raccoon family told reporters Tuesday that they are starting to get tired of taking care of their rabid father.
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Girlfriend, Girlfriend’s Brother Look Way Too Much Alike

OLYMPIA, WA—Taken aback after meeting his girlfriend’s older brother for the first time last night, local man Elliot Mast confirmed to reporters that the siblings look far too much alike. “As soon as he walked into our apartment, I was completely stunned,” said a still unsettled Mast, 32, adding that, aside from the difference in hairstyle and a few inches in height, the two were pretty much identical. “The eyes, the nose, their posture—it’s the exact same. They even smile the same way. God, it’s weird.” At press time, Mast was hesitating to return his girlfriend’s physical advances, as the mental image of her brother’s face was still way too fresh.

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