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Relationships

Area Man Treats Girlfriend To Sumptuous 20-Second Massage

BETHEL PARK, PA—In an unexpected outpouring of generosity and affection, local man Adam MacMillan spent 20 seconds Tuesday evening treating Melanie Traynor, his girlfriend of three years, to a luxurious back and neck massage on the couple’s co...
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Relationships

Girlfriend, Girlfriend’s Brother Look Way Too Much Alike

OLYMPIA, WA—Taken aback after meeting his girlfriend’s older brother for the first time last night, local man Elliot Mast confirmed to reporters that the siblings look far too much alike. “As soon as he walked into our apartment, I was completely stunned,” said a still unsettled Mast, 32, adding that, aside from the difference in hairstyle and a few inches in height, the two were pretty much identical. “The eyes, the nose, their posture—it’s the exact same. They even smile the same way. God, it’s weird.” At press time, Mast was hesitating to return his girlfriend’s physical advances, as the mental image of her brother’s face was still way too fresh.

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