Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year

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Vol 49 Issue 07

Child Assured It Will Be Long Time Before He Dies

COLUMBUS, OH—Shortly after inquiring about his own mortality last night, distraught local child Eli Heffernan, 8, reportedly received assurances from both his parents that while he would indeed die, it would not be for a long, long time.

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Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year

BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead announced Wednesday that she would prefer to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year with a nice, low-key fight at home with her boyfriend. “The past three years we’ve gotten all dressed up and had these huge arguments out on the town, so this year I feel like just staying in and having a laid-back quarrel at the apartment,” Omstead reportedly told friends, adding that she wouldn’t mind curling up on the couch with a movie only one person likes and bickering about money, household duties, or the car. “Plus, Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, so it’ll be hard to get reservations someplace where we can viciously argue about vacation planning under our breath.” At press time, Omstead’s boyfriend said he didn’t care where they went to squabble as long as they had bitter, resentment-fueled intercourse afterwards.

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