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Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.

Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

Report: Grandpa Just Walks Like That Now

CULVER CITY, CA—According to family sources, the prominent limp displayed by local grandpa Marvin Adelstein on Tuesday is indicative of the fact that he just walks like that now.
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Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year

BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead announced Wednesday that she would prefer to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year with a nice, low-key fight at home with her boyfriend. “The past three years we’ve gotten all dressed up and had these huge arguments out on the town, so this year I feel like just staying in and having a laid-back quarrel at the apartment,” Omstead reportedly told friends, adding that she wouldn’t mind curling up on the couch with a movie only one person likes and bickering about money, household duties, or the car. “Plus, Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, so it’ll be hard to get reservations someplace where we can viciously argue about vacation planning under our breath.” At press time, Omstead’s boyfriend said he didn’t care where they went to squabble as long as they had bitter, resentment-fueled intercourse afterwards.

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Archaeologists Uncover Last Human To Die Happy

DEMBECHA, ETHIOPIA—In a startling find that contributes significantly to the understanding of modern man’s evolutionary development, University of Edinburgh archaeologists working in Ethiopia’s Afar Region announced Wednesday that they have uncovered the preserved remains of the last human to die happy.

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