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Tips For Hotel Etiquette

Staying in a hotel can be a fun and luxurious experience, but it requires consideration of the guests around you. The Onion presents its guide to hotel etiquette:

Report: Look How Big Player Is Next To Sideline Reporter

GREEN BAY, WI—Marveling at the pronounced disparity in size during the postgame interview, sources confirmed Sunday that, Jesus Christ, just look at how big Houston Texans nose tackle Vince Wilfork is next to the CBS sideline reporter.

John Kerry Throws Vine Over Pit Of Quicksand To Save Child Companion

PANGSAU, MYANMAR—Thinking quickly to thwart disaster as he ventured deep into the Myanmar rainforest to meet with State Councilor Aung San Suu Kyi, Secretary of State John Kerry threw a vine over a pit of quicksand to save the life of his 12-year-old Moroccan companion, Drumstick, sources confirmed Monday.

Report: This Movie Old Enough That They Might Have Actually Hurt Dog

GARDNER, MA—Realizing the movie was probably made years before any sort of mandatory industry oversight, nervous viewers watching a Turner Classic Movies airing of ‘Home On The Range’ Sunday night told reporters that the classic western was old enough that the filmmakers might have actually hurt the dog that starred in the motion picture.

Best Sports Video Games Of All Time

With titles such as ‘FIFA 17’ and ’NBA 2K17’ expected to be popular gifts this holiday season, Onion Sports looks back on some of the best sports video games of all time.
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Girlfriend Just Wants To Have Low-Key, Laid-Back Valentine's Day Fight This Year

BEREA, KY—Saying that she didn’t want to go all out and turn the evening into a “big huge thing,” area woman Caitlin Omstead announced Wednesday that she would prefer to celebrate Valentine’s Day this year with a nice, low-key fight at home with her boyfriend. “The past three years we’ve gotten all dressed up and had these huge arguments out on the town, so this year I feel like just staying in and having a laid-back quarrel at the apartment,” Omstead reportedly told friends, adding that she wouldn’t mind curling up on the couch with a movie only one person likes and bickering about money, household duties, or the car. “Plus, Valentine’s Day is on a Thursday this year, so it’ll be hard to get reservations someplace where we can viciously argue about vacation planning under our breath.” At press time, Omstead’s boyfriend said he didn’t care where they went to squabble as long as they had bitter, resentment-fueled intercourse afterwards.

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