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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Girlfriend Loves Spending 'Alone Time' With You

SAGINAW, MI—According to your girlfriend, your request for some "alone time" this afternoon sounds fantastic, and she'd love nothing more than to do that with you. "We could go to the farmers market, or even just read in the park together," your girlfriend said. "Or we could go on a long walk by ourselves. This is great—we haven't had any alone time in months." Sources close to your girlfriend said she has already contacted two other couples she knows, to see if they're free to do a small alone-time thing around 8 p.m.

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