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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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HOBOKEN, NJ—Pondering the mysterious circumstances that could have led to such a sign being posted, sources within a local apartment building said Thursday that an enigmatic new rule taped to the wall of their laundry room suggested a strange infraction had taken place.

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DEMING, IN—Glancing in the mirror while clipping a measuring tape to his belt, area dad Roger Hobak reportedly got all gussied up Wednesday before making the 14-mile trip to his local Lowe’s Home Improvement store.

Unclear What Coworker With Banana On Desk All Day Waiting For

MINNEAPOLIS—Annoyed that the fruit was even now just sitting there next to his computer monitor, sources at data analytics firm Progressive Solutions told reporters Wednesday that it was unclear what coworker Kevin Tanner, who has had a banana on his desk all day, was waiting for.

Father Teaches Son How To Shave Him

ST. CLOUD, MN—Judging him old enough to learn the time-honored family tradition passed down from father to son, local man William Dalton, 47, taught his 12-year-old child, David, how to properly shave him, sources reported Friday.

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NORRISTOWN, PA—Hoping to have a quiet, relaxing movie night at home with her family, local mother Allison Halstead told reporters Tuesday that she just wants to watch something nice.
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Girlfriend Overdoses On Lotion

Local girlfriend Caroline Nagler is in critical condition after applying multiple layers of moisturizer, anti-wrinkle creams, and hydrating balms.
Local girlfriend Caroline Nagler is in critical condition after applying multiple layers of moisturizer, anti-wrinkle creams, and hydrating balms.

PURCHASE, NY—Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.

Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.

“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels."

“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”

Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.

After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler's body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.

According to friends, Nagler’s overdose was the result of being a habitual lotion user whose addiction had, as of late, spiraled out of control.

“Caroline didn’t do this to herself on purpose—she just didn’t know her limit,” distraught boyfriend Eric Klein told investigators, recalling that Nagler would often come home covered in a layer of lavender salve without acknowledging that she glistened brightly or smelled heavily of morning dew. “It’s a wonder she hasn’t had an overdose yet; it’s a full-on addiction. She hides the bottles everywhere—underneath the sink, in the back of cabinets. I once saw her pull a small bottle of it out of her purse. She couldn’t go 20 minutes without it.”

“It was only a matter of time before she started mixing lotions,” Klein continued. “Every morning it was a cocktail of prescription-strength aloe-vera, rosewater, sunscreen, Wrinkle Revenge cream, and who knows what else.”

Emergency room doctors say that as lotions become more fragrant, more flirty, and more expensive, hospitals will continue to see cases of women overdosing from the products. In the past week alone, local hospitals treated more than 20 local girlfriends with injuries similar to Nagler’s, according to records.

“The mistake so many women make is thinking they can slather on a layer of cedarwood foam, wait a few minutes, and then start rubbing on some shiny body butter,” said emergency physician Dr. Thomas Nguyen, noting that his own girlfriend had a close call last week when she applied more than 80 doses of Jurlique balancing spray, or “pillow mist” as it’s known in street slang. “The rule of thumb is to use a quarter-sized dollop of lotion, wait an hour, then use more if necessary. Oiling up too quickly vastly increases the risk of internal organ failure, or worse.”

“If you think you have a problem, please seek help immediately,” he continued. “Your life is worth more than having silky-smooth skin, no matter how soft and luxurious it might feel.”

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Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

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