The Week In Sports

Extreme Storms To Rip Through Godforsaken Midwestern Wasteland

The Onion Weather Center focuses on the Midwest, where a storm system should recede into the distance like any hope of a stable economic future; a tornado bears down on a podunk, backwater hick town; and field reporter Matt Jennings is live from God knows where.

Refs Let 49ers Put As Many Men On Field As They Want

SEATTLE—Sighing into the microphone as he stood at the 50-yard line of Centurylink Field, NFL referee Gene Steratore ruled during Sunday’s game that the San Francisco 49ers could put as many men on the field as they want.
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Girlfriend Surprises Rob Gronkowski With Relaxing Couple’s CAT Scan

BOSTON–Snuggling up together in the peaceful serenity of the Massachusetts General Hospital radiology room, sources confirmed Thursday that New England Patriots tight end Rob Gronkowski was surprised by his girlfriend with an afternoon of relaxing couple’s CAT scans. “After a long week of practice, it was great being able to lie down along a padded bed and slowly slide through the imaging machine’s gantry with my girlfriend by my side,” said Gronkowski, adding that the week’s stress melted away as soon as he heard the calming whirr of the scanner and felt the the contrast dye coursing through his veins. “This is why my girlfriend’s the best. We’ve done ‘his and hers’ neurological exams before, but nothing releases the tension of the workweek like getting a cross-sectional image of our torsos. It really was great being able to take time out and connect in together under a magnetic field and radio waves.” The couple reportedly followed up the scans with a lumbar drain, which Gronkowski told reporters hurt at first but eventually felt “fucking amazing.”

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