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‘Lost Dog’ Poster Really Tooting Dog’s Horn

BROOKLYN, NY—Claiming the flyer could really stand to tone it down a little, sources said a lost dog poster that began appearing in Brooklyn’s Fort Greene neighborhood Tuesday was really tooting the dog’s horn.

Nation Not Sure How To Describe Mark

‘You Would Have To Meet Him,’ Millions Say

WASHINGTON—Saying you’d understand what they were talking about the moment you laid eyes on him, the entire nation reported Monday that it was kind of hard to describe Mark and you’d just have to meet him.

Report: Shit, Last Night Was Trash Night

CHELSEA, MA—Stopping in his tracks upon discovering his entire block lined with empty bins, local man Roger Peters reported Thursday that, shit, last night was trash night.
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Girlfriend To Stay Underneath Blanket For Next 5 Months

PROVIDENCE, RI—Immediately after sitting down on the living room couch and covering herself in a large cotton blanket, area girlfriend Amanda Bettman, 28, announced her intentions Monday to remain in this state for the next five calendar months. “I am cozy right now, this is my ideal state of warmth and comfortability, and I shall remain underneath this blanket for the next 150 days or until such time as the cold weather season has fully transpired,” the Providence resident confirmed to her boyfriend as she drew the comforter to her ears and curled up amongst several big, fluffy pillows. “Blankets provide warmth, I am warm underneath this blanket, and being warm is better than being cold. These are the primary motivations behind my decision.” Bettman told her boyfriend she also intended to maintain a state of constant watch over their apartment’s thermostat.

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