GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes

In This Section

Vol 50 Issue 30

Sex Toy Discreetly Shipped In Plain Dildo-Shaped Box

Medical experts announce that an Ebola vaccine is at least 50 white people away from being developed, a new poll finds a majority of the CIA is now ready to install a female world leader, and a sex toy is discreetly shipped in a plain dildo-shaped box.

Teens Getting Hurt Playing ‘Fire Challenge’ Game

Police and medical workers across the country are reporting more incidents of teenagers hurting themselves playing the “Fire Challenge” game shown in numerous YouTube videos, which involves pouring a small amount of flammable liquid on their b...
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fun

  • Night Out Consecrated With Opening Exchange Of High-Fives

    CHARLOTTE, NC—Kicking off the evening with their customary expression of excitement and camaraderie, a group of friends reportedly consecrated their night out on the town Friday with a ceremonial opening exchange of high-fives.

Customer Service

GlaxoSmithKline Releases New Drug To Treat People Who Just Feel Sort Of Weird Sometimes

LONDON—In an effort to alleviate the vague, passing sensation of restlessness and unease that inexplicably afflicts thousands of people each day, pharmaceutical manufacturer GlaxoSmithKline released a new drug Wednesday specially formulated to treat the symptoms of individuals who just feel sort of weird sometimes. “This new medication will offer millions of people relief from feeling kind of ‘off’ for a reason they can’t quite explain,” GSK chief executive Andrew Witty said of the new drug, Placidex, which reportedly provides relief to individuals who every so often wake up with a sense of being a little out of it, a common malady that, according to pharmacologists, can last anywhere from just a few minutes to an entire afternoon. “One daily tablet will help alleviate the uncomfortable feeling people sometimes get when everything seems just a little bit out of sync. You know, when you’re not quite tired, exactly, but you definitely don’t feel 100 percent alert, and everything’s just kind of…disconnected, I guess? You know what I’m talking about, right?” According to industry sources, Placidex will be followed up by a new drug for individuals who are perfectly happy and are enjoying normal, healthy lives.

Jump to next story

Onion Video

Watch More