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Politics

Man In Center Of Political Spectrum Under Impression He Less Obnoxious

MT. VERNON, OH—Loudly explaining to anyone within earshot that both the left and right were ruining the level of discourse in this country, Jesse Levin, a man firmly in the center of the political spectrum, is under the impression that he is less obnoxious than those with more partisan viewpoints, sources reported Friday.

What Is Trump’s Relationship With White Nationalism?

Since the weekend’s violent protests in Charlottesville, VA, many have criticized President Trump for his failure to outright condemn the white supremacists involved. The Onion breaks down Trump’s relationship to this powerful hate group.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg Returns To Off-Season Lifeguarding Job

ALEXANDRIA, VA—Saying she hadn’t missed a summer since she was on the U.S. Court of Appeals, Supreme Court Justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg said Tuesday that she had once again returned to her off-season lifeguarding job at Splash Central waterpark.

President’s American Manufacturing Council Down To CEO Of Shoe Carnival

WASHINGTON—Following a series of resignations from prominent CEOs amid the fallout from President Trump’s handling of white-nationalist violence in Charlottesville, VA, White House sources confirmed Tuesday that Trump’s American Manufacturing Council is now down to a single member, Clifton Sifford, CEO and president of Shoe Carnival.
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Glenn Beck - The Lone Voice Of Reason In An Age Of Hysteria

 Personality

In what has increasingly become an era defined by pandemonium, rancor, and blind ignorance, one stabilizing voice emerged from the din this year to soothe the souls of Americans everywhere, make us recognize the common decency that binds us all, and supplant the poisonous aura of fear and chaos with a simple, well-thought-out message of peace, prosperity, and reconciliation.

That man is television and syndicated radio host Glenn Beck.

Every single day of 2010, Beck's quiet words of humility and reason have touched the hearts of all Americans, healing countless wounds and elevating the level of our national discourse. Indeed, just as Martin Luther King, Jr.—to whom Beck has so aptly and correctly compared himself—once showed the nation the way forward to compassion and civility, so have Beck's stunningly eloquent broadcasts, inspiring political rallies, and bestselling books reassured every living citizen that we are all joined by the same ever-beating heart of kindness, and that gentler roads lie ahead if we could all just settle down, lower our voices, and focus on solving the actual, meaningful problems of our world together.

For in these troubled times of rising unemployment, political infighting, anger, and persecution, America needs a man who can put the issues in perspective and bring us comfort; a man who cares not about race, creed, sexual orientation, or party affiliation; a man who sees beyond petty political maneuverings, emotional exploitation, greed, and opportunism; a man who encourages all of us to disregard the ceaseless clamor of ideologues and think for ourselves; a man who sees beyond his own ego and cares only for what is good and right and just. In short, it needs a man like Glenn Lee Beck.

Thank God for Glenn Beck and all he has done. After all, what would our country be like if not for him?

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