After Birth

Parents Of Crying Child Must Not Be Any Good

WOODBURY, MN—Noting how the pair’s failure to promptly resolve the situation was a clear indication of their inability to raise or care for another human being, sources confirmed Friday that the parents of a crying infant must not be any good.

Report: Mom Sending You Something

PORTLAND, ME—Stating that she had put it in the mail this morning and that you should keep an eye out for it, your mother notified you Saturday that she was sending you something, reports confirmed.

A Look At The Class Of 2020

This year’s incoming college freshmen will comprise the graduating class of 2020, with the majority of them born in 1998. Here are some facts and figures about these students and their worldview:

‘Rugrats’ Turns 25

This August marks the 25th anniversary of the premiere of Rugrats, the beloved Nickelodeon cartoon about intrepid baby Tommy Pickles and his group of toddler friends. Here are some milestones from the show’s nine-season run
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Glimpse Of Father’s Toenails Offers Boy Petrifying Vision Of Future

MONTAUK, NY—Badly shaken by what he had just witnessed, local boy Peter Danielson, 12, expressed shock Monday after a brief glimpse of his father’s toenails offered a terrifying vision of his future. “Is that…is that what’s going to happen to me?” the shuddering child said after seeing the cracked, milky-yellowish protuberances of uneven thickness when the elder Danielson removed his boots and socks following some yard work. “Am I gonna grow weird hair like that, too? What about all that dried skin just flaking off his feet? Is there any escape for me?” Although Danielson had managed to steady himself by press time, sources suggested that he will be completely unable to cope when he encounters his grandfather’s toenails next month at a beach outing.

After Birth

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