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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building'

NEW YORK— Responding to the ongoing controversy regarding Iran’s nuclear program, brightly glowing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced in his address to the U.N. General Assembly this morning that he himself was the nuclear weapon the Middle Eastern country has been building for the past year. “Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama pledged yesterday to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon, but in fact, the weapon in question has been standing before you this entire time,” said Ahmadinejad, emitting a luminous green aura as stunned members in the General Assembly looked on. “Contained within my body is enough chemical explosive and uranium-235 to level all of Manhattan. Do not attempt to run. Do not attempt to warn anyone. It is already too late.” At press time, Ahmadinejad had reportedly shut his eyes as a loud automated countdown began to sound from his open mouth.

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