adBlockCheck

Recent News

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.

How Amazon Plans To Expand

After years of rapid growth and expansion into new industries, Amazon recently announced that it would be opening a second headquarters outside of Seattle. Here are Amazon’s plans for continued growth.

Report: Americans Now Get 44% Of Their Exercise From Licking

WASHINGTON—Saying the practice accounted for a sizable portion of the nation’s physical activity on any given day, a new report published Tuesday by researchers at the National Institutes of Health revealed that Americans currently get 44 percent of their exercise from licking things.
End Of Section
  • More News

Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building'

NEW YORK— Responding to the ongoing controversy regarding Iran’s nuclear program, brightly glowing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced in his address to the U.N. General Assembly this morning that he himself was the nuclear weapon the Middle Eastern country has been building for the past year. “Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama pledged yesterday to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon, but in fact, the weapon in question has been standing before you this entire time,” said Ahmadinejad, emitting a luminous green aura as stunned members in the General Assembly looked on. “Contained within my body is enough chemical explosive and uranium-235 to level all of Manhattan. Do not attempt to run. Do not attempt to warn anyone. It is already too late.” At press time, Ahmadinejad had reportedly shut his eyes as a loud automated countdown began to sound from his open mouth.

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

Close