Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building'

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DOYLESTOWN, PA—Facetiously questioning how the game had suddenly become a non-contact sport, local father Aaron Harper confirmed his belief Thursday that referees officiating a Thanksgiving game between the Philadelphia Eagles and Detroit Lions should just let them play football out there.
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Glowing Ahmadinejad: 'I Am The Nuclear Weapon We've Been Building'

NEW YORK— Responding to the ongoing controversy regarding Iran’s nuclear program, brightly glowing President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad announced in his address to the U.N. General Assembly this morning that he himself was the nuclear weapon the Middle Eastern country has been building for the past year. “Ladies and gentlemen, President Obama pledged yesterday to prevent Iran from acquiring a nuclear weapon, but in fact, the weapon in question has been standing before you this entire time,” said Ahmadinejad, emitting a luminous green aura as stunned members in the General Assembly looked on. “Contained within my body is enough chemical explosive and uranium-235 to level all of Manhattan. Do not attempt to run. Do not attempt to warn anyone. It is already too late.” At press time, Ahmadinejad had reportedly shut his eyes as a loud automated countdown began to sound from his open mouth.