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Dwight Howard Clearly Doesn’t Know Team’s Name

WASHINGTON—Noting his confused expression and uncertainty while shouting incorrect nicknames throughout the playoff game, sources confirmed Wednesday night that Atlanta Hawks center Dwight Howard clearly does not know his own team’s name.

Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

Man Tries Using Pink 6-Pound Bowling Ball To Great Amusement

WEST ORANGE, NJ—Seemingly knowing full well that the relatively small and light ball was not designed for someone of his size, sources confirmed Tuesday that 25-year-old Darren Foerstner tried using a pink 6-pound bowling ball for one frame, all to the incredible amusement of friends and onlookers at Eagle Rock Lanes bowling alley.

Players To Watch In The Sweet 16

The 2017 NCAA Men’s Basketball Tournament has provided thrilling upsets and amazing comebacks in the first two rounds. Onion Sports presents a guide to the 10 players to watch in the Sweet 16.
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Goalkeeper Announces Plans To Frantically Wave And Yell At Teammates Before Corner Kicks

RECIFE, BRAZIL—In a surprising disclosure of tactics before his team’s World Cup match against Germany, U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard announced Thursday that he will frantically wave his arms around and yell at teammates prior to any corner kick. “As soon as everyone is in the box, I’ll just start pointing at various opposing players while screaming at my defenders with one hand cupped around my mouth,” said Howard, stressing that he will also yell “Hey!” repeatedly while gesturing toward anyone not being marked tightly by a U.S. player. “I’ll also try to shove away any guys from the other team crowding me at the goal line, before eventually running out and trying to punch the ball away as hard as I can. And I will repeat this process for every single corner kick in the match.” Howard refused to confirm his plans for any free kicks on his goal, but hinted that they may involve leaning on the goalpost and repeatedly pointing either left or right while staring at his wall of defenders.

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