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MLB Unveils Memorial For Runners Stranded On Base

NEW YORK—Solemnly ringing a bell 30 times for each of the teams that lost potential runs this season, Major League Baseball officials unveiled Tuesday a memorial outside league headquarters to commemorate all of the runners who have ever been stranded on base.

Dale Earnhardt Jr. Submits Paperwork For Gas Reimbursement

LONG POND, PA—Hunching over the steering wheel of his idling No. 88 Chevrolet SS to closely inspect the odometer, NASCAR driver Dale Earnhardt Jr. was reportedly in the process of submitting paperwork Monday to reimburse his gas expenses for the month.

A-Rod Donates $25 Million To Be Displayed In Glass Case In Baseball Hall Of Fame

COOPERSTOWN, NY—Ensuring that a treasured piece of the game’s history will be forever preserved for future generations of fans, representatives of the National Baseball Hall of Fame confirmed Friday that retired third baseman Alex Rodriguez recently donated $25 million of his earnings to be displayed inside a glass case in their museum.
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Goalkeeper Announces Plans To Frantically Wave And Yell At Teammates Before Corner Kicks

RECIFE, BRAZIL—In a surprising disclosure of tactics before his team’s World Cup match against Germany, U.S. goalkeeper Tim Howard announced Thursday that he will frantically wave his arms around and yell at teammates prior to any corner kick. “As soon as everyone is in the box, I’ll just start pointing at various opposing players while screaming at my defenders with one hand cupped around my mouth,” said Howard, stressing that he will also yell “Hey!” repeatedly while gesturing toward anyone not being marked tightly by a U.S. player. “I’ll also try to shove away any guys from the other team crowding me at the goal line, before eventually running out and trying to punch the ball away as hard as I can. And I will repeat this process for every single corner kick in the match.” Howard refused to confirm his plans for any free kicks on his goal, but hinted that they may involve leaning on the goalpost and repeatedly pointing either left or right while staring at his wall of defenders.

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