God Admits He Never Created Gerbils

Top Headlines

Recent News

‘SportsCenter’ Co-Anchors Clearly Dating

BRISTOL, CT—Saying that the pair could barely take their eyes off one another throughout the hour-long sports news program, ESPN viewers told reporters Friday that it is increasingly clear SportsCenter anchors John Anderson and Matt Barrie are currently dating.

Terrifying Uniformed Bachelorette Party Storms Local Bar

TACOMA, WA—Bursting into the establishment seemingly out of nowhere and overtaking it within a matter of moments, a terrifying uniformed bachelorette party stormed local pub Casey’s Saloon Friday night, onlookers reported.
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next
TV Listings
Just Like Everything Else!: Fox 8 p.m. EDT/7 p.m. ABC Pete's wife is still on him about building that darn shed, these kids are going to be the death of Sheila and Dave, and the hot next-door neighbor is up in EVERYBODY'S business! Sunday nights on ABC couldn't be any more familiar!

Special Coverage

Fantasy Sports

FIFA Frantically Announces 2015 Summer World Cup In United States

Global Soccer Tournament To Kick Off In America Later This Afternoon

ZURICH—After the Justice Department indicted numerous executives from world soccer’s governing body on charges of corruption and bribery, frantic and visibly nervous officials from FIFA held an impromptu press conference Wednesday to announce that the United States has been selected to host this summer’s 2015 World Cup.

Race Relations

God Admits He Never Created Gerbils

THE HEAVENS—Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness told reporters this Wednesday that despite creating all other forms of life in the universe, He in fact had nothing to do with creating gerbils. “I just wanted everyone to know that I have absolutely no idea where gerbils came from; they just showed up a few million years ago and started reproducing,” admitted God, the Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, Earth, and the rest of the order of Rodentia, but not gerbils. “I have no problems with gerbils personally, I just wanted to make it clear that they weren’t sculpted by my divine hand. Clearly some other force brought them into existence, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what, why, or how.” God added that whoever or whatever created the gerbil must have been a fan of his work, since it is a “complete rip-off” of the hamster.

Next Story