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National Zoo Announces Giant Pandas To Divorce

WASHINGTON—Assuring the public that the decision was difficult but the right thing to do for all parties involved, the Smithsonian National Zoological Park announced Friday that their giant pandas would be divorcing.

New Climate Change Report Just List Of Years Each Country Becomes Uninhabitable

GENEVA—Stating that the data published within its pages represented the scientific consensus of top researchers around the world, the U.N. Intergovernmental Panel on Climate Change released its annual report this week, which consists solely of an alphabetized list of every country on earth and the years each of them will become uninhabitable.

Pros And Cons Of Electric Cars

With technology improving and more automobile companies releasing electric models, electric cars are becoming a common alternative for American consumers. Here are the pros and cons of electric vehicles.
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God Admits He Never Created Gerbils

THE HEAVENS—Lord God, He Who Commanded Light to Shine out of Darkness told reporters this Wednesday that despite creating all other forms of life in the universe, He in fact had nothing to do with creating gerbils. “I just wanted everyone to know that I have absolutely no idea where gerbils came from; they just showed up a few million years ago and started reproducing,” admitted God, the Divine Creator of Life, Heaven, Earth, and the rest of the order of Rodentia, but not gerbils. “I have no problems with gerbils personally, I just wanted to make it clear that they weren’t sculpted by my divine hand. Clearly some other force brought them into existence, but I honestly couldn’t tell you what, why, or how.” God added that whoever or whatever created the gerbil must have been a fan of his work, since it is a “complete rip-off” of the hamster.

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