adBlockCheck

God Admits He Rarely Forgives

Top Headlines

Recent News

The TSA’s Plans For Improvement

The Transportation Security Administration has pledged to revamp its processes in response to recent record-setting airport lines and wait times. Here are some ways in which the TSA plans to improve

God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition.

Voyager Probe Badly Damaged After Smashing Into End Of Universe

PASADENA, CA—Confirming that several components had broken off the craft and that most of its scientific instruments were no longer operational, officials from NASA’s Jet Propulsion Laboratory announced that Voyager 1, the pioneering space probe launched in 1977, had been severely damaged Thursday after crashing into the end of the universe.

Leaked Documents Reveal Studio Executives Knew About ‘Gods Of Egypt’ Before It Released Onto Public

SANTA MONICA, CA—Suggesting that the disastrous events of three months ago could have been averted, federal investigators stated Wednesday that a trove of leaked documents confirmed high-ranking studio executives had full knowledge of Gods Of Egypt long before the film was released onto unsuspecting Americans.Investigators described those who allowed such a screenplay to be carried out as “extremely sick and heartless individuals.”

Books Vs. E-Readers

Though e-readers have increasingly supplanted books in the digital age, many bibliophiles defend the importance of physical texts. Here is a side-by-side comparison of physical books and e-books
End Of Section
  • More News
Up Next

God Admits He Rarely Forgives

The Supreme Being confirms to reporters that forgiveness is “not really in my disposition.”
The Supreme Being confirms to reporters that forgiveness is “not really in my disposition.”

THE HEAVENS—Calling into question centuries of religious dogma and commonly held beliefs, the Lord Our God, Creator and Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Tuesday that in actuality it is “extremely rare” for Him to ever forgive an individual.

Speaking to reporters, God, who admitted that He is “generally motivated more by anger and spite than forgiveness,” reiterated that being forgiving is “not in [His] nature,” and on the whole constitutes a small part of what the Lord does every day and what He feels He should do every day.

“I do not particularly enjoy absolving humans of their earthly transgressions—I prefer to punish the wicked, hold grudges for thousands of years, curse entire regions and ethnicities for the sins of a few, and so forth,” said God, Our Father. “I typically ignore the words and deeds of the repentant and make a concerted effort to restrict any such individual from ever taking my side in the Kingdom of Heaven. I also take particular satisfaction, even glee, in repeatedly punishing those who have sinned at any point in their lives and are endeavoring to gain my forgiveness through prayer and good works.”

“Essentially, only individuals who have lived lives of unblemished goodness shall receive my love and charity,” He added. “Otherwise, it is exceedingly rare for me to forgive any living creature who has erred in my eyes, least of all a human.”

While acknowledging “perhaps 10 or 12” total instances in the last several millennia in which He has forgiven a person who is truly sorry for committing a sinful act, the Lord confirmed to reporters that such instances are, statistically speaking, tremendous anomalies, and may have in fact been the result of simple negligence on His part rather than any genuine feelings of mercy.

Concurrently, the Supreme Being estimated the number of human beings He has not forgiven in the same span of time at approximately 80 billion.

“Last evening, an individual from the North American continent requested that I forgive him for absconding an article of clothing from a nearby business establishment, and I refused to do so,” God said. “I also refused to forgive a woman who had disciplined her child too harshly, a man who had told a lie to his wife, a young boy who had taken my name in vain, and roughly 200 million others, all in one night, for this is simply my way.”

“And my way cannot be questioned or subverted,” He continued.

God went on to concede that while He understands why humans would, on a purely selfish level, seek to absolve themselves of wrongdoing, it would nonetheless be “an extraordinary waste of time and energy” for any human to seek the Lord’s forgiveness in such a case, and that doing so may in fact only incur a greater degree of His wrath.

In particular, God told reporters He holds a special contempt for those who ask for His mercy tearfully, with hands clasped tightly, while kneeling, or in one’s final moments before dying.

“It is neither my duty nor my inclination to make human beings feel better about who they are or what they do during their short time on earth,” He said. “What does forgiving a human being do for me? How is it to my benefit? It is not. I have held dominion over the cosmos quite successfully for quite some time and I have done so without need or want of a forgiving disposition, and so it is and so it shall always be. I am that I am.”

“If you seek mercy and forgiveness, seek it in your own heart and see if your heart grants it to you,” He continued. “Although, to be honest, I don’t especially care what you do.”

Sign up For The Onion's Newsletter

Give your spam filter something to do.

X Close