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Japanese Family Puts Aging Robot In Retirement Home

KYOTO, JAPAN—Saying the move to the assisted care facility was the right decision after so many years of operation, members of the Akiyama family finally put their aging robot in a retirement home, sources reported Friday.

North Korea Successfully Detonates Nuclear Scientist

PYONGYANG—Hailing it as a significant step forward for their ballistic weapons program just hours after suffering a failed missile launch, North Korean leaders announced Monday they had successfully detonated a nuclear scientist.

Tokyo Portal Outage Delays Millions Of Japanese Warp Commuters

TOKYO—Saying the outdated system needed to be upgraded or replaced to avoid similar problems going forward, millions of inconvenienced Japanese warp commuters expressed frustration Thursday following a Tokyo portal outage that caused delays of up to eight seconds.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.

Nuclear Warhead Thrilled For Chance To Finally Escape North Korea

PYONGYANG—Saying its spirits were immediately buoyed upon hearing Supreme Leader Kim Jong-un’s recent statement that the military was close to developing an intercontinental ballistic missile, a North Korean nuclear warhead reported Tuesday that it was thrilled for the chance to finally escape the country.
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God Admits He Too Close To Creation To Judge Whether It Any Good Or Not

THE HEAVENS—Saying that His opinion of the heavens and the earth seems to change every time He looks at them, The Lord Our God, Supreme Ruler of the Universe, admitted Monday that He is simply too close to His divine creation to judge whether it’s any good or not. “I worked on this thing for over 13 billion years, so sometimes I wonder whether I really have enough critical distance,” said God Almighty, adding that, having poured His heart and soul into the universe for so many eons, His attachment to it may be blinding Him to some of its flaws. “I’m still on the fence about certain creative choices I made, but there are also times when I feel like I’m probably being too critical about small corners I cut when making the cosmos—things that only I would ever notice. What I could really use is an outsider’s perspective.” At press time, the Lord had decided to step away from His work for a few millennia and hopefully come back to it with a fresh set of eyes.


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