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Man Either Sick Or Just At End Of Workday

CINCINNATI—Overwhelmed by a wave of fatigue, local man Will Markowski told reporters Tuesday that he was uncertain whether he was getting sick or if it was just the end of a normal workday.

A Timeline Of Abraham Lincoln’s Life

Every February, people across the the nation celebrate the legacy of Abraham Lincoln, widely considered to be one of America’s finest presidents. The Onion provides a timeline of the key moments in President Lincoln’s life:

Most Valuable Sports Memorabilia

Sports collectibles have skyrocketed in popularity over the past several decades, with sales of such items as game-worn jerseys and autographed rookie cards generating billions of dollars each year. Onion Sports examines the most sought-after and highly valued sports memorabilia in the world.

Nation Leery Of Very Odd Little Boy

WASHINGTON—Noting that there was something distinctly unnerving about his mannerisms, physical appearance, and overall demeanor, the nation confirmed Friday that it was leery of very odd 8-year-old Brendan Nault.
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God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Monday that He was in a pretty bad place when He created the universe. “To be honest, it’s kind of hard for me to look at these days—it just brings me back to a real difficult time,” said the Lord, explaining that while He was physically commanding the heavens and the earth to come into being back then, mentally He was “a total wreck.” “Quite often, I’ll come across some aspect of the universe and just think to myself, ‘Wow, I put some pretty dark stuff in there.’ Sure, I like what I did with light and some of the animals, but boy, on the whole, I think I may have been a little too emotional when I made this thing.” God added that He was considering just getting rid of the whole thing to get it off His mind.

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