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Woman Conducting Ongoing Scientific Experiment On Own Skin

DULUTH, MN—Noting her methodic applications of various chemical agents in carefully controlled combinations, sources confirmed Wednesday that local woman Sara Holloway has been carrying out an open-ended scientific experiment on her own skin.

Earth Ranked Number One Party Planet

FRAMINGHAM, MA—Noting its high concentration of nightlife, droves of attractive singles, and atmospheric conditions allowing liquid alcohol to exist, the ‘Princeton Review’ on Monday ranked Earth the Milky Way galaxy’s top party planet for the fifth year in a row.
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God Admits He Was In Pretty Bad Place While Creating Universe

THE HEAVENS—Saying He was dealing with a lot of stuff at the time, God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, admitted to reporters Monday that He was in a pretty bad place when He created the universe. “To be honest, it’s kind of hard for me to look at these days—it just brings me back to a real difficult time,” said the Lord, explaining that while He was physically commanding the heavens and the earth to come into being back then, mentally He was “a total wreck.” “Quite often, I’ll come across some aspect of the universe and just think to myself, ‘Wow, I put some pretty dark stuff in there.’ Sure, I like what I did with light and some of the animals, but boy, on the whole, I think I may have been a little too emotional when I made this thing.” God added that He was considering just getting rid of the whole thing to get it off His mind.

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