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Rural Working-Class Archbishops Come Out In Droves To Welcome Trump To Vatican

VATICAN CITY—Arriving in their dusty pickup trucks from as far away as the dioceses of Oria and Locri-Gerace to express their support for a leader who they say embodies their interests and defends their way of life, droves of rural working-class archbishops reportedly poured into St. Peter’s Square today to greet U.S. president Donald Trump during his visit to the Vatican.

Rookie First Baseman Nervous To Chat With Baserunners

ATLANTA—Noting how important it is to make a good first impression, Pittsburgh Pirates rookie first baseman Josh Bell told reporters before Tuesday’s game against the Atlanta Braves that he’s still nervous about chatting with opposing baserunners.

What Is Trump Hiding?

As The Onion’s 300,000 staffers in its news bureaus and manual labor camps around the world continue to pore through the immense trove of documents obtained from an anonymous White House source, the answers that are emerging to these questions are deeply unnerving and suggest grave outcomes for the American people, the current international order, Wolf Blitzer, four of the five Great Lakes, and most devastatingly, the nation’s lighthouses and lighthouse keepers.

Deep Blue Quietly Celebrates 10th Anniversary With Garry Kasparov’s Ex-Wife

PITTSBURGH—Red wine and candlelight on the table before them, Deep Blue, the supercomputer that defeated reigning world chess champion Garry Kasparov in 1997, and Kasparov’s ex-wife, Yulia Vovk, quietly celebrated their 10th anniversary on Wednesday at a small French restaurant near Carnegie Mellon University, where Deep Blue was created.
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God Admits Stealing Idea For Messiah From Zoroastrianism

THE HEAVENS—Under pressure from scholars, who for centuries have pointed out strong similarities between certain aspects of the two religions, God finally admitted Tuesday that He had stolen the idea for the Messiah from Zoroastrianism and used it as a major feature of the Judeo-Christian tradition. “Look, maybe they came up with the thing about the Messiah being conceived by virgin birth, but c’mon—that’s just one minor detail. I added plenty of new stuff in there,” said God Almighty, Our Lord and Heavenly Father, adding that the concept of Saoshyant, the savior of Zoroastrianism, was “barely fleshed out” and that He had “really put [His] own spin on it and humanized [His] Messiah” by having Jesus Christ physically walk the earth and interact with other people. “I mean, how many ideas are truly original when you think about it? And anyway, I made my guy a carpenter—gave him a nice real-world job. That’s so much more relatable than their mysterious, magical man who lives for decades without eating anything. Okay, okay, I may have also taken the part about him raising the dead and being the judge of all humankind, too, but that’s it. The rest is all me.” God attempted to silence further criticism by announcing that there were some “big surprises” in store for the upcoming Apocalypse, assuring reporters it would be “totally different” than Frashokereti, the Zoroastrian description of the final battle between good and evil.

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